Hello folks, the devil here
A heavy set, self-professed gangbanging drug addict (12 years recovered) came to my door 'round 11 a.m. to check in on a lamb of god. He wanted to share Jesus's love, and I let him know immediately that I'm an atheist. This man, who is still utterly amazed at his continuing existence, then decided he wanted to save an atheist that morning.
Quite the mistake.
I won't be as long winded as I was this morning (20 min of discourse, if one could call it that), but he concluded that I wasn't a nice person and that the devil works through me. He then escaped through the infinitely short corridor. I think he was not pleased that I called his god a prick in front of his kid, some 12-year-old accessory. Also, he was Hispanic, and they have a natural fear of the devil. That must be why he gave up on saving me if he truly loved me as much as he said he did.
So like, I now have devil powers. Any ideas of what I should do with them?
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Cancel Christmas and replace it with a holiday celebrating crass consumerism.
Gee,you're good.
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Hitchens died two years to the day, mind reanimating his corpse? I miss him a great deal.
Grow a bifurcated tail.
First things first, cultivate an appearance befitting of your provenance. According to google cloven hoofed footware is a frighteningly real thing. Ape Anton Lavey's grooming habits. Look the part, be the part.
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Quote:
Originally Posted by
piercerseth
Hitchens died two years to the day, mind reanimating his corpse? I miss him a great deal.
Satan hates atheists. One cannot believe in the Devil without at least acknowledging the possibility of God.
OK he hates everything but atheists are right at the top of the list.
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Quote:
Originally Posted by
IdolEyes787
Quote:
Originally Posted by
piercerseth
Hitchens died two years to the day, mind reanimating his corpse? I miss him a great deal.
Satan hates atheists. One cannot believe in the Devil without at least acknowledging the possibility of God.
OK he hates everything but atheists are right at the top of the list.
We'll trade him Dawkins for a zombie-Hitch.
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Quote:
Originally Posted by
mjmacky
So like, I now have devil powers. Any ideas of what I should do with them?
Well, if you truly have devil powers, you could get Oleg a woman.
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Quote:
Originally Posted by
mjmacky
So like, I now have devil powers. Any ideas of what I should do with them?
Yes... how about bringing peace to the middle east and feeding all the hungry. Also, bring corporate capitalists to their knees and create decent jobs for the middle class.
And if you are not too busy... two 19 year old virgins under the the christmas tree for me, and some tickets to disneyland for my wife and kids...
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Quote:
Originally Posted by
mjmacky
he concluded that ... the devil works through me.
That might have been a nice way of calling you a tool :eyebrows:
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Feedback to suggestions:
*I'd like to cancel holiday consumerism as well.
*I liked Hitchens, but I am also so in love with myself that I consider solitary ruminations to be a suitable replacement. In other words, I'm not much in need of anyone that just reinforces my opinions. Where's the fun in that?
*I don't think divine powers are sufficient in getting Oleg laid.
*I am not dressing up in anything but a kitty cat outfit.
*Killing predatory megacapitalists sounds great. However, eliminating either Christian or Islamic agitators would only strengthen the convictions of both Christians and Muslims in either case.
Edit: additional feedback
*Consider how ugly a 19-year-old virgin would be.
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Quote:
Originally Posted by
anon
Quote:
Originally Posted by
mjmacky
he concluded that ... the devil works through me.
That might have been a nice way of calling you a tool :eyebrows:
I think he wanted to murder me, for it looked like he was twitching inside. He repeated multiple times that he was a killer. No joke.
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Quote:
Originally Posted by
mjmacky
I think he wanted to murder me, for it looked like he was twitching inside. He repeated multiple times that he was a killer. No joke.
Come to think of it, Jesus (undoubtedly pronounced HeyZeus during your particular conversation) has a very motley crew of 12-steppers, ex-cons, and cripples. Kinda changes the "perfect" picture of Heaven, does it not? :mellow:
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
I dont pray to god, i pray to gotti.
Re: Hello folks, the devil here
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Funkin'
I would give myself a horse penis. It would make rape that much more enjoyable(for me).
I hope you find something nice in your stalking this year. :)
