Sexist Jokes Male And Female

What is the cleverest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock.

When a woman makes a fool of a man it's usually an improvement.

If your wife comes out of the kithen nagging what's wrong?
Her chain's to long.

Q. What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
A. A widower.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig
A woman who won't do as she is told.

What is the only bad thing about a 69?
The view.

Why are men like carpets?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

What’s the most affective contraceptive known to man?
Wedding cake.


Please add more.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander?
A: It's too little to be out alone.

Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A: The man.

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
Don't know. Its never been done.

A statistic showed that women talk two times more than men.
It's because they need to explain everything twice, so that men can understand.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor Man have rested.

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
When they remove half the brain.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

I dated this girl for two years and then the nagging started:
"I wanna know your name..."

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course... At least he'll shut up after you let him in!

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

What are the two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1- No mind.
2- No business.

How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words: "her ass".

How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen?




Please I don't mean to offend any woman with these jokes. That's just what these are: jokes.
I have nothing against women... I think every man should own one.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A Widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married Women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Why does a woman have one braincell more than a cow?
So she won't cr*p in the kitchen.

What do you get if you turn a blonde upside down?
A brunette with bad breath.

If a man speaks in the woods and there aren't any women around, is he still wrong?



(i'm sorry i couldn't remember exactly how it was phrased, anyone else know this one and the correct way to say it?)

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Well, you've told her twice.


What does a woman and a washing machine have in common?

They both leak when they are f***ed.


What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

Fridges don't fart when you pull the meat out.




btw I do not condone beating women, it's a joke.

Q: What does WIFE stand for?
A: Washing Ironing F$$king Etc

Q: Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
A: Because they are all perfect assholes.

Q: What's the definition of a woman?
A: Life support for a vagina

Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: Put a windscreen in front of her face.

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

Q: Why do they call it PMT?
A: Because Mad Cow disease was already taken

C'mon girls, I need some support in here! :blink:

Just for U Curley - looking thru anti men sites made me realize you girls really have a
deranged sense of humor -many where not funny

What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

A farmer and his wife are in bed. He reaches forward and feels her breasts.
He says "you know if these were bigger we wouldn't need the cow"
She reaches back to feel his penis and says "If this was bigger we wouldn't need the farm manager"

Q: How are men and linolium alike?
A: If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them the rest of your life!



If a man stands in a corner with his hands in his pockets, he
isn't feeling crazy.
He is feeling nuts.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.


Scientists say: Men who listen to classical music tend not to
spit.

Men, Just children with paychecks.

Do you always tell your husband when you've had an
orgasm?
No way! I'm not going to call home every time

Why is virginity like a balloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

When does a man know when to stop having sex?
When he has had his orgasm.

How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?
"Change it ya f***ing self!"

Why do women have two holes close together?
So you can pick 'em up, and carry them home like a six pack.

Why do women have long legs?
Ever seen the mess a snail makes?

How do you get 100 old cows into a shed?
Put a 'Bingo' sign out the front

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married"
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not", she giggles.
"Great!", he replies, "Get your own DAMN blanket!"

Why do men snore when they sleep on thier backs?



Thier balls cover thier asshole and they vapor lock....


******************************************

a bit sideways, but I think it fits:

******************************************

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
The dad says "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,so he gets up to check on him.He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.Not wanting to wake her,he goes to the nanny's room.Finding the door locked,he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

**********************************************

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in he bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day, the father came home, heard noises in the bedroom, entered and found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I'll never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father left the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV."What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I am having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!"


***********************************************

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Received via a text message.....

What do men know about women?

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have tits

:D You can give up, Curley! :D

:D Face it. You're all alone in your quest to defend women. :D

Quote:

---

Originally posted by DataMore@4 March 2003 - 18:56
:D You can give up, Curley! :D

:D Face it. You're all alone in your quest to defend women. :D

---

I agree. Oh well, at least I tried :P

*sigh*

OK, I was gonna stop, but i've just had these emailed to me.

10) He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love
to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you've succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be a king.
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen.

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.
She said... 'Who's gonna look?

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said ... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.

And the number one is .........

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you said not to call you at work.


The End :P

Men are like commercials...you can't believe a word they say.
Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like copiers...you need them for reproduction,but that's about it.
Men are like government bonds...they take so long to mature.
Men are like lava lamps...fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like popcorn..they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like snow storms...you never know when they're coming,how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.
Men are like laxatives...they irritate the shit out of shit. :P

hmm it looks like curley now has reinforcements!

http://www.andy-hawley.pwp.blueyonde...r%20ladies.jpg

"Never trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and does not die..."

-Mr. Garrison

Why cant women drive?
No road in the kitchen

Why can't women ski?
no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom

etc. etc.

Looks like you guys are winning :(

For now.

:P

A woman is in a nasty car accident and when the paramedic come along he sed to her: "Is anything wrong with u?"

She replies, "I think i have concussion"

The paramedic says, "How many fingers have i got up"

To that she replies, "OH F*CK, Im paralyzed 2!!!!!"