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Ladies Department Store

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, there is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied. "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, he asked about the difference between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it."

"Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Funny Facts

1. Five of the top 15 selling cookies are Girl Scout Cookies!

2. Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west.

3. Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.

4. In 1976 a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift officially married a 50-pound rock. The ceremony was witnessed by more than 20 people.

5. At any given time, there are 1,800 thunderstorms in progress over the earth's atmosphere.

6. During a severe windstorm or rainstorm the Empire State Building may sway several feet to either side.

7. It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them!

8. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

9. During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who wore a beard was required to pay a special tax.

10. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

11. Months that begins with a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

12. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.

13. The first baseball game to be televised was not in the United States. It was in Tokyo, Japan.

14. A poll taken shows that between 74 and 94 percent of workers in the United States and Canada take 5 to 15 minutes daily for a morning coffee break. The coffee break in the workplace did not become common until the early 1940s.

It was the second grade teacher's birthday. So every child in the class was giving her a special gift.

Anna's mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave the teacher some beautiful flowers.

Robert's parents owned a candy shop. Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted candies.

Then it was little Johnny's turn. Johnny's
dad owned a liquor store! So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher.

When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher, she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet. So she put her finger on it and tasted.

"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.

"No, it's not wine!" Johnny replied.

She tasted it again. "Hmmmmmm. Is it some sort of liquor?"

"Nope, it's not liquor!" said Johnny.

She tasted it again and was puzzled. "Well, Johnny, I give up. What is it?"

Johnny was excited. "It's a puppy!" he said.

Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana
inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the
shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday buddy!"

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign ................ What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria ............... Back door to cafeteria.

Barium ................. What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section ....... A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan ................ Searching for the cat.

Cauterize .......... Made eye contact with her.

Colic ............... A sheep dog.

Coma ............... A punctuation mark.

D&C ................ Where Washington is.

Dilate ............. To live longer than your kids do.

Enema ............. Not a friend.

Fester ............ Quicker than someone else.

Fibula ............ A small lie.

G.I.Series ......... World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail ........... What you hang your coat on.

Impotent ........... Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain .......... Getting hurt at work.

Morbid .............. A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates ............ Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff ....... A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node .................... I knew it.

Outpatient .............. A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear ................ A fatherhood test.

Pelvis ................... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative ........... A letter carrier.

Recovery Room .... Place to do upholstery.

Secretion ....... Hiding something.

Tablet .......... A small table to change babies on.

Seizure .......... Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness .... Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor ............... More than one.

Urine ............... Opposite of mine.

Varicose ............ Near by.

Hospital ............ The biggest building in town, other than Ed's feed warehouse.

An old cowhand came riding into town
on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in
front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily
dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of
his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss
where the sun don't shine.

He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on
the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors
of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff.
"Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me
some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's that?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the wall light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says.
"You have a broken finger."

You Need To Work On Your Chrismas Spirit If...



* You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.

* You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.

* You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.

* You put out last year's stale candy canes for children or if you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa.

* You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends.

* You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

* At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home or to use for your own party.

* After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake or last year's fruitcake. You then try to pass it off as home made.

* You steal from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins :(

A pilot, co-pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, and the Pope, were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.


This left only the Pope and the co-pilot with one parachute left.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

The co-pilot then said, "You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Quote:

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Originally posted by bujub22@6 February 2004 - 16:38
It was the second grade teacher's birthday. So every child in the class was giving her a special gift.

Anna's mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave the teacher some beautiful flowers.

Robert's parents owned a candy shop. Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted candies.

Then it was little Johnny's turn. Johnny's
dad owned a liquor store! So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher.

When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher, she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet. So she put her finger on it and tasted.

"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.

"No, it's not wine!" Johnny replied.

She tasted it again. "Hmmmmmm. Is it some sort of liquor?"

"Nope, it's not liquor!" said Johnny.

She tasted it again and was puzzled. "Well, Johnny, I give up. What is it?"

Johnny was excited. "It's a puppy!" he said.

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