sex frogs

After many years of trying, the Russian family was finally able to bring grandpa to America to live with them. The old gentleman could only speak Russian.
Each day when the family members were at work grandpa would spend his time in the park, walking, watching the children play and feed the ducks a few crumbs he brought along. So that he would be able to get a little something to eat they taught him to say, "apple pie, coffee."

Each day he would go into the nearby deli, climb on a stool at the counter and say to the counterman, "Apple pie, coffee."

This worked well for him until one day he decided that he just couldn't take another piece of apple pie. So the family taught him to say, "Ham sandwich, coke."

He went to the park the next day looking forward to being able to order a ham sandwich in stead of apple pie. Smiling to himself he climbed onto the stool at the counter and waited his turn.

When the counterman asked for his order he proudly said, "Ham sandwich, coke."

To which the counterman asked, "White or rye?"

The old man replied, "Um, apple pie, coffee."

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Way down in Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! Aint dat grand!"

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!"

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three child! ren, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40."

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A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says:

"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!

Money Back Guarantee!

Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.

She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!

The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,

"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.

The damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time
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A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

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Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging a loaf of bread in one hand, and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread, Father."

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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.
The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says and hangs up.

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A seven year old Mississippi boy was at the center of a courtroom drama this morning when his lawyer challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents so the judge awarded custody to his aunt.

The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone!

The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Mississippi State Bulldogs this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

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An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue.
"You certainly do roll your R’s," the businessman observed.

"I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels."