as i have been on holiday here are a load of jokes for you to enjoy,
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
FOR ONCE! THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
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Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast.
"Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally,
"He snores while I masturbate."
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A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole.
He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."
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Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;
1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!)
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.
The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
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A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running a long and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way".
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood.
The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of testicles you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"
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Southern Football VS. Northern Football
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of Captain Morgan/Crown. Money is not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting list.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for Captain Morgan/Crown.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air after the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of Captain Morgan/Crown.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: D@mmit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: D@mmit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.
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As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.
"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."
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After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained.
He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge."
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A young minister and an elderly parishoner were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him badly.
At the end of the game, the old man tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," said the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
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During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.
"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
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A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words... "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
..."And so, here we are!"
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A man and a woman are driving in the car when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and brings it back into the car.
She says, "It looks cold, what should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
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Dear Diary: May 30th:
Just moved to Dallas...Now this is a city that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.I learned my lesson though Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000
leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th:
The wind sucks.It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it'shot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this darn humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95.I hate this stupid city.
Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my butt was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.
Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do squat for 2 months now and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert?? Water rationing will be next, so might $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the pool.Even the cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the whole windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??
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Did you hear about the accountant with insomnia?
He decided to try counting sheep, but he made a mistake and was up all night trying to find it!
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Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".
After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
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This cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"
"Well, rattler bit me in me pecker one time."
"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Hell no. Damned varmint bit me on purpose."
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Morris had proposed to young Sherry, and was being interviewed by Sam, his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked Morris the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Morris, "I'm sure that I am."
"Think long and carefully now," said Sherry's father.
"There are twelve of us...including uncle Izzy"
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Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.
One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
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Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists. Any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole.
And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!
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A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of rum. He drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his kilt and says, "Secret Service."
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A man goes to see his Rabbi. Man:"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I need to talk to you about it." Rabbi: "What's wrong?"
Man: "My wife's poisoning me."
Rabbi (Very surprised): "How can that be?"
Man: "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
Rabbi: "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can do and let you know." The next day the Rabbi calls the man.
Rabbi: "Well, I spoke with your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"
Man (anxiously): "Yes!"
Rabbi: "Take the poison."
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A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful Of you to wrap each piece separately.”
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I've been married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed...
CRISIS RESOLVED!
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A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I want to have sex with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up, I will screw you from behind and be on my way!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.
She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said " That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in quarters!"
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There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone. "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
