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A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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This fella goes to the doctor and says"Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"
The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"
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This fella goes to the doctor and says"Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"
The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"
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One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.
"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"
"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
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Flying Drunks
Three guys were in a bar and they were all pretty smashed. The first guy said, "I bet that if I had one more beer, I could fly!" The other guys bought their friend another drink. After the first guy finished, he walked up to a nearby cliff and jumped off. The other two guys stared in disbelief as the first guy fell, fell, and then suddenly swooped up and landed on the cliff.
The second guy said, "I bet I can do that too!" He ran down to the bar, chugged a beer, and ran back up to the cliff. Then the second guy jumped off the cliff, fell, fell, and crashed into the ground below.
The third guy turned to the first guy and said, "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman!"
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Your momma's pussy is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn
I asked your momma "what's for lunch" ...She opened up her legs and said tuna surprise
I asked your momma "what's for lunch" ...She opened up her legs and said crabs
Your momma's like a gun, two cocks and she's loaded!
Your momma's like a vaccum cleaner ... She sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.
Yo Mama's like a mosquito, you have to slap her to get her to stop sucki
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Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".
Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.
The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up. An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."
One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up. In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said,
"Don't worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.
Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was pissed. He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee.
Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!
Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose
and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things."
"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls."
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Bobby-joe was riding in Jeds truck
Jed pulled over, got out and pointed down yawnder and said, "Thats where I first had sex."
Bobby-Joe said,"How was it."
Jed said,"It was great til' I looked up and saw her mom was watching."
Bobby-Joe yelled,"Oh shit, what did she say??"
Jed repiled "Baaa"
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There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.
They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.
One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"
They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .
They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .
The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.
She took him into her barn and said to get started.
He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.
Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.
Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .
The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.
