Bill the golfer

hi everyone
i have been away for a long weekend that is why there was no jokes , i will post a few to make up for that,
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Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did you find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.

"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!

"And the bad news?" asked Bill. "You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!!
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Did you know that Mississippi State graduates put their diplomas on the dashboard to park in the handicap spaces?

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The Ten Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife sometimes treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..
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A bear walked into a bar, slapped a $50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at the $50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute." He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred. The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, $.50 change and strike up a conversation.
The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the $50 bill, tossed fifty cents on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here". The bear looked at the 50 cents, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "$49.50 for a beer I can see why!"
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President George W. Bush was going to a Home Depot. His bodyguards surrounded him, and everyone immediately took notice of the unusual sight. They looked closer and they saw who it was. Everyone was in awe.
"Why would George W. bush be in a Home Depot?" they all asked each other. "He should have his workers do it for him". Finally, one man asked the President, "What are you doing in this little store of ours?"

To which George replied, "Oh, everyone has been saying that I should get a new cabinet".

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A husband and wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion.
One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.

The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden?"

And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy!"
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A couple was sitting eating dinner one night.
The wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

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A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time.cuz your gonna get him killed!"

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A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. Now what does it mean to you?"
After a moment of silence, a chubby student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does it mean?"

"Well," David replied "It means that the Jews had to go without Chinese food for 1,067 years."
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