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gunslinger
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand. He looked at the old man and laughed. Then he said, "Hey old man have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at him and said, "Nope, never had a hankering to dance."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool you're goanna dance now," and he started shooting at the old man's feet. The old man was hopping around and everybody was laughing. He fired his last bullet, holstered his gun and turned around to go back in the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, pulled his Sharps rifle out of the saddle scabbard, and eased the hammer back, making a loud click. The gunslinger heard this, then everything got quiet. He turned around and was looking down the end of a barrel that was bigger than a stovepipe aimed right at his stomach! The old man asked him, "Have you ever kissed a mules ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard, then said, "No, but I've always wanted to."
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There's a little fellow named Bubba who hangs out at Martin's Convenience Store. Mr. Martin, the owner hasn't figured out what Bubba's problem is, but the boys 'round town like to tease him. They say he's not hittin' on all eight... just not too bright.
As evidence, often they'll offer lil' Bubba his choice between a nickel and a dime. Now Bubba, he always takes the nickel... They say, because it's 'bigger' and they all get a big chuckle.
One afternoon, just after Bubba grabbed his nickel, Mr. Martin pulled him off to one side and said, "Bubba, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Bubba sorta grinned and said, "Well, if I took the dime, reckon they'd quit doing it!"
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It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch.
He turns around and there she is, scowlng at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it.
Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning!"
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After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers home-coming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.
"Excuse me," she said "but were you in the war?"
"Yah, I was in the infantry."
"Would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article?"
"No, I wouldn't mind at all."
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"
"I f*cked me wife." Pekka said bluntly. The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.
"After that. I mean, what did you do after that?"
"I f*cked her again." he answered. If possible the journalist turned even more red and got even more desperate to change the subject.
"Other than that! Uh -what did you do when you were finished with all that?"
"Then I unstrapped my skis and removed my heavy backpack."
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a pink bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the pink bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
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Valentine's Vernacular: A Dating Dictionary...
DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
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Re: gunslinger
