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Thread: A message to all Americans

  1. #1
    Gripper's Avatar Dexter's Apprentice.
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    BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE

    A message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of
    America):

    "In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
    thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
    your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
    Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
    states,commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does
    not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a Governor-General
    (who may be a Canadian who understands the idiosyncrasies of the former
    U.S.A) for America without the need for further elections.
    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
    circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
    the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
    introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
    Then look up aluminum! , and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
    will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
    Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
    letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
    levels. (look up vocabulary). Furthermore, you will immediately cease
    and desist mispronouncing the last letter of the alphabet. It is ZED,
    not zee!

    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
    as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
    adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
    elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God
    Save The Queen.

    July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday, but you may decide
    to celebrate what Canadians used to call 'Dominion Day' on July 1st
    every year to coincide with their 'Canada Day'.

    You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
    or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
    shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
    should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
    things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
    not grown up enough to handle a gun.
    Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
    dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
    to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
    own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
    mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
    start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
    will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
    conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
    understand the British sense of humour.

    The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
    calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
    are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
    fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
    beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
    referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
    Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
    guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
    English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
    dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
    one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
    time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
    or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). However,
    for those of you who have real difficulty with this, we will allow you
    to adopt the much more exciting Canadian rugby-football with 3 downs, a
    longer and wider field and deeper end zones. In that case, you must play
    12 men, the 12th man being a Canadian.

    Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
    America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
    your borders, your error is understandable.

    You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
    monies due.

    (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation."

    All spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in my post's are intentional.

  2. Lounge   -   #2
    DarthInsinuate's Avatar Died in battle
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    The Sexay Half Of ABBA And Max: Freelance Plants

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    Skiz's Avatar (_8(I)
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    Wasn't this babble posted a couple months ago?

    ps - Just keep in mind what happened to you the last time you tried to "revoke" our independence.
    Last edited by Skizo; 09-30-2005 at 03:30 PM.



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  4. Lounge   -   #4
    DarthInsinuate's Avatar Died in battle
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skizo
    Wasn't this babble posted a couple months ago?

    ps - Just keep in mind what happened to you the last time you tried to "revoke" our independence.
    World War II?
    Last edited by DarthInsinuate; 09-30-2005 at 03:35 PM. Reason: curly whirly was more suitable
    The Sexay Half Of ABBA And Max: Freelance Plants

  5. Lounge   -   #5
    Busyman's Avatar Use Logic Or STFU!!!
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarthInsinuate
    Quote Originally Posted by Skizo
    Wasn't this babble posted a couple months ago?

    ps - Just keep in mind what happened to you the last time you tried to "revoke" our independence.
    World War II?
    No actually Britain never gave us independence. It was fought for and Britain had to GTFO. Everything might have been have gone nicely if Britain would've been fair to the British that were here.
    Silly bitch, your weapons cannot harm me. Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, Bitchhhh!

    Flies Like An Arrow, Flies Like An Apple
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    Samurai's Avatar Usenet Fanboy
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    Quote Originally Posted by Busyman
    Quote Originally Posted by DarthInsinuate
    World War II?
    No actually Britain never gave us independence. It was fought for and Britain had to GTFO. Everything might have been have gone nicely if Britain would've been fair to the British that were here.
    We got upset. They wouldn't let us watch 24 at the same time as you. That's when the fighting started

  7. Lounge   -   #7
    j2k4's Avatar en(un)lightened
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skizo
    ps - Just keep in mind what happened to you the last time you tried to "revoke" our independence.
    Yes-we were the lucky recipients of the last quality help ever rendered anyone by the French.
    “Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.” -George Carlin

  8. Lounge   -   #8
    RPerry's Avatar Synergy BT Rep: Bad Rep
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    brotherdoobie's Avatar Long live Hissyfit BT Rep: +1
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    I originally posted this topic a few months back. I found it quite hilarious.

    *self-deprecating humor rawks.

    Peace bd

  10. Lounge   -   #10
    Samurai's Avatar Usenet Fanboy
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    Quote Originally Posted by brotherdoobie
    I originally posted this topic a few months back. I found it quite hilarious.

    *self-deprecating humor rawks.

    Peace bd
    Yup. Been doing the rounds on the Internet since 1995.

    I think gripper just upgraded from dial-up Welcome to the Interweb
    Last edited by Samurai; 10-01-2005 at 06:58 AM.

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