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Thread: A Message To All Britons

  1. #1
    Busyman's Avatar Use Logic Or STFU!!!
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    The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.

    DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA

    To the imperialist British colonizers.

    In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

    2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

    3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

    4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

    5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

    6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

    7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

    8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

    9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

    10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

    11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

    12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

    Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
    SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

    To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

    We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

    However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

    To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

    1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

    However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

    2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

    3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

    4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

    5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

    6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

    7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

    8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

    9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

    Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

    P.S. Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
    Last edited by Busyman; 09-30-2005 at 04:42 PM.
    Silly bitch, your weapons cannot harm me. Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, Bitchhhh!

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  2. Lounge   -   #2
    Skiz's Avatar (_8(I)
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    Mr. Mulder's Avatar pepper your angus BT Rep: +10BT Rep +10
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    I saw an episode of Friends once, it wasn't very funny at all

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    Busyman's Avatar Use Logic Or STFU!!!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Mulder
    I saw an episode of Friends once, it wasn't very funny at all
    Oh really? You'd kick yourself without American television. Face it. Hollywood, for all the bad it has, still kicks all other "cinema" in the arse.

    It's so much to choose from that if there's 500 bad there'd be 300 good....and ya still can't watch it all.

    Watch some more Lost why don'tcha.
    Turn on CSI
    The Shield
    Nip/Tuck
    Battlestar Galactica
    24
    Prison Break
    The Simpsons

    Fact is our cinema is downloaded by you more than we dl your cinema, so there.

    (I do like Dr. Who and Extras though )
    Silly bitch, your weapons cannot harm me. Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, Bitchhhh!

    Flies Like An Arrow, Flies Like An Apple
    ---12323---4552-----
    2133--STRENGTH--8310
    344---5--5301---3232

  5. Lounge   -   #5
    Samurai's Avatar Usenet Fanboy
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    I'll give them that one...

    ... now where was that letter to the states that someone posted

  6. Lounge   -   #6
    JPaul's Avatar Fat Secret Agent
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    Quote Originally Posted by Busyman
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Mulder
    I saw an episode of Friends once, it wasn't very funny at all
    Oh really? You'd kick yourself without American television. Face it. Hollywood, for all the bad it has, still kicks all other "cinema" in the arse.

    It's so much to choose from that if there's 500 bad there'd be 300 good....and ya still can't watch it all.

    Watch some more Lost why don'tcha.
    Turn on CSI
    The Shield
    Nip/Tuck
    Battlestar Galactica
    24
    Prison Break
    The Simpsons

    Fact is our cinema is downloaded by you more than we dl your cinema, so there.

    (I do like Dr. Who and Extras though )

    The Simpsons is quality.

    I don't watch any of the other ones.

    American Chopper is also good.

  7. Lounge   -   #7
    Mr. Mulder's Avatar pepper your angus BT Rep: +10BT Rep +10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Busyman
    Turn on CSI = gay.
    The Shield = quality.
    Nip/Tuck = uber gay.
    Battlestar Galactica = quality of the highest order.
    24 = quality.
    Prison Break = a bit gay
    The Simpsons = gay with nobs on.

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    Guillaume's Avatar Kentish old lady BT Rep: +8BT Rep +8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Busyman
    Watch some more Lost why don'tcha.
    Of course. Weird people on a weird island, how much more British can you get?

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    Gripper's Avatar Dexter's Apprentice.
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    As for WW2,you guys were coming down on Germany's side till the Japs caught you napping.
    Some very good American series out I'll give you that,but stop nicking Japanese and European films and remaking them into shite.
    And stop taking liberty's with historical facts!!!
    Have you got any buildings older than 300 years over there or has Mother nature sucked 'em all up and spat them all out,or shook them all down,or flash fried them.

    All spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in my post's are intentional.

  10. Lounge   -   #10
    Busyman's Avatar Use Logic Or STFU!!!
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    Quote Originally Posted by gripper103.2
    As for WW2,you guys were coming down on Germany's side till the Japs caught you napping.
    Some very good American series out I'll give you that,but stop nicking Japanese and European films and remaking them into shite.
    And stop taking liberty's with historical facts!!!
    Have you got any buildings older than 300 years over there or has Mother nature sucked 'em all up and spat them all out,or shook them all down,or flash fried them.
    No one nicks Japanese and European films but when a single decent non-American film or TV show comes along, it seems it is regarded as the second coming of filmmaking to be held in the highest regard. I personally think that they are considered gems 'cause they don't come along often. It's popular to bandwagon on anything halfway good that's non-American.

    I remember when SnnY pitched his top ten films, he went out of his way to pick non-American ones and cited one movie, The Returner. Good movie, but he knew that there were tons of American films that trounced it and he thought I hadn't seen it 'cause of some of you guys ongoing subtitle jokes.

    As far as historical facts, there is one in particular (U-571, that I still haven't watched) that is shameful.

    I think before filesharing you guys didn't really have cinema (unless ours were imported). You had the shit you settled for 'cause you didn't know better.

    Btw, we were never on Germany's side (maybe some arms dealers). We stayed out it besides embargos until, as you say, the Japs caught us napping. Talk about an unprovoked ass-kicking.
    Silly bitch, your weapons cannot harm me. Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, Bitchhhh!

    Flies Like An Arrow, Flies Like An Apple
    ---12323---4552-----
    2133--STRENGTH--8310
    344---5--5301---3232

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