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Thread: fucking tourettes

  1. #1
    Spider_dude's Avatar cawk BT Rep: +4
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    An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome is strolling around the
    streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean
    Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted
    for evening performances'" "F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to
    himself and goes to the bar.
    "Get the f*cking manager of this pigs' sh*t middle class w*nkhole
    please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
    The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help
    you sir?' he says. 'Yes you can, you fat piece of sh*t", says the
    pianist, "I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to
    audition......w*nker.'
    The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his
    dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
    The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
    involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
    'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
    'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me Prime Minister,
    but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt's blind...'
    'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another, something a little less "lively".'
    'F*cking w*nker.' interjects the pianist before launching into a
    powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
    his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called
    "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell
    end.'
    'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
    titles?'
    'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece",
    or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice f*cking jugs".
    'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist
    but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
    condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
    'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
    On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping
    up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The
    only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a
    gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
    revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
    boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
    During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he
    decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his
    muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
    After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches
    him. 'Hi' she says.
    'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
    'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I
    f*cking wrote it!'

  2. Lounge   -   #2
    Mr. Mulder's Avatar pepper your angus BT Rep: +10BT Rep +10
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  3. Lounge   -   #3
    maebach's Avatar Team FST Captain
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  4. Lounge   -   #4
    Proper Bo's Avatar spmado BT Rep: +2
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    rolfglagomfgbbq

    the punchline was shit though

    As long as I've got a face
    You've got a place to sit

  5. Lounge   -   #5
    oh my, offensive, but quite funny

  6. Lounge   -   #6
    Proper Bo's Avatar spmado BT Rep: +2
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    Quote Originally Posted by anonEMuse
    oh my, offensive, but quite funny
    sums up the lounge

    As long as I've got a face
    You've got a place to sit

  7. Lounge   -   #7
    maebach's Avatar Team FST Captain
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    rly

  8. Lounge   -   #8
    S!X's Avatar L33T Member BT Rep: +5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Proper Bo
    rolfglagomfgbbq
    Wtf..

  9. Lounge   -   #9
    Gripper's Avatar Dexter's Apprentice.
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    F*cking brilliant you c*nt shit bollox arse

    All spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in my post's are intentional.

  10. Lounge   -   #10
    ameir's Avatar Poster
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    Cool

    really good stuff!

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