Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you
just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out
on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't
know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and
dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak
with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the
right f***in' number!" and the phone was slammed down
on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so
rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to
call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the
'wrong' number again. When he same guy answered the
phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I
wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to
it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It
always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my
therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So,
I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith
from AT&T. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with
our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly
called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into
a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and
pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit
the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale"
sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first
asshole (I had his number on speed dial, I thought
that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. It's a
yellow house, and the car's parked right out in
front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial,
too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. It's a
yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and
hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm
coming over right now!"
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. and that I
was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I
called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in
Oak Tree Blvd.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Oak Tree
Blvd. I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop
cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
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