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Thread: teacher needed

  1. #1
    baccyman's Avatar n00b BT Rep: +11BT Rep +11BT Rep +11
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    Sign seen at local day care center:
    "Two-year-old teacher needed."

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    A woman walks into a vet's waiting room, dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.
    "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

    Fluffy glares at her and then the soaking-wet rabbit jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

    "I said sit, Fluffy!" the woman shouts. "Don't you want to be a good little rabbit?"

    Apparently not, because Fluffy, still wet, jumps onto the floor shakes furiously, spraying water on everyone and then proceeds to squat and urinate, right there in the middle of the room.

    "Fluffy!" the woman screams, and then, mortified by Fluffy's behavior, she turns to the other people in the room and says, "Please forgive me, I've just washed my hare, and I can't do a thing with it!"

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    At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
    The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

    "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

    The witness still did not respond.

    Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

    "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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    Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.
    For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?

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    An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened and they deliver. He gets the phone number and goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
    Thirty minutes later the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

    The businessman takes the pizza and immediately starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What's on this pizza?"

    The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Pizza have what you order: pepper only."

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    A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast
    Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.

    However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.

    "Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.

    "I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."
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    Have you ever wondered why they don't treat pyromaniacs with anti-inflammatory drugs?

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    Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
    "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

    "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

    With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

    The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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    Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
    Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

    Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

    Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

    After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

    And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins

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    we had family round over the weekend so this lot should make up for not posting over the weekend. i hope that you all enjoy them.

  2. Funny S**t   -   #2
    Barbarossa's Avatar mostly harmless
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    Quote Originally Posted by baccyman
    we had family round over the weekend so this lot should make up for not posting over the weekend. i hope that you all enjoy them.
    I don't get this one.

  3. Funny S**t   -   #3
    baccyman's Avatar n00b BT Rep: +11BT Rep +11BT Rep +11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Barbarossa
    Quote Originally Posted by baccyman
    we had family round over the weekend so this lot should make up for not posting over the weekend. i hope that you all enjoy them.
    I don't get this one.
    i had family staying at the weekend and didn't get the chance to post anything.

  4. Funny S**t   -   #4
    Barbarossa's Avatar mostly harmless
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    Heh heh heh..

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