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Thread: April is when we pay tribute to "Fools"

  1. #1
    j2k4's Avatar en(un)lightened
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    A recent column by Stephen Chapman.

    Hilarious...I have emboldened my favorite part.

    I include it here because it is news, after a fashion.


    Fools' Day isn't just in April
    For some, evidence of their folly is seen throughout the year

    Published March 30, 2006

    April 1, wrote Mark Twain, "is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other 364." That's a dispiriting thought--and it will only get more demoralizing if you fall for one of the April Fools' gags that may be sprung on you.

    But cheer up. No matter how foolish you may sometimes feel, you can always take comfort in knowing that over the past year, there were other people who were even worse. Today, I try to brighten your mood by demonstrating beyond any doubt that you and I are smarter than a lot of people.

    Some of the more conspicuous examples of folly come from the world of government. Chicago public high schools, it emerged recently, require all students to take driver's education--including students who are blind. The Illinois Department of Transportation, meanwhile, advertised a phone number for motorists to call to get information on alternate routes during the Dan Ryan Expressway reconstruction. Turned out to be a very alternate route: a phone sex line.

    In Lingle, Wyo., police cited a tavern owner for disorderly conduct. Her offense? Putting up a banner with the name of her establishment, The Bitch's Corner Bar, which the town attorney claimed was in violation of a ban on "obscene language." Hint: If this newspaper will print a word, it's not obscene.

    But government officials have no monopoly on poor judgment. Some suspected criminals practically advertise their stupidity. Police said Andrew Jeffrey Webster robbed a bank in Waterford, Mich., and they didn't have much trouble finding him--thanks to a tattoo on his right arm that said, yes, "Dumb."

    Another alleged miscreant didn't stamp the word on his arm or his forehead, but he didn't need to. On parole from an Illinois prison, police said, he stole a riding lawn mower and was piloting it across a cornfield when they caught up with him. They ordered him to stop, but, under the influence of alcohol, he tried to outrace them. He finally surrendered after a cop trotting alongside the getaway vehicle threatened to shoot him with a Taser.

    More evidence of the dangers of mind-altering substances came from a Tampa man who was worried he had bought fake crack cocaine. He asked some passing cops to test the stuff in his pipe to see if it was real. It was, and they arrested him.

    You think that's dumb? Consider the people operating a purported tanning parlor in South Carolina that had everything a tanning parlor needs--except tanning beds. Police noticed that it did have other kinds of beds, which they deduced were used for prostitution.

    Then there was the gunman who held up a convenience store in Joplin, Mo., only to find himself trapped inside when he couldn't get the door open. Seems he was pushing when he needed to pull. He finally ended up smashing his way through with a magazine rack.

    That robber was not quite as foolish as the Oklahoma man who, upon being sentenced to 30 years in prison, asked the judge to make it 33--to match the jersey number of his favorite basketball player, Larry Bird. The judge graciously complied.

    Artists know they sometimes have to suffer for art, but Trevor Corneliusen got more pain than he planned for. He hiked into the Mojave Desert, locked a chain around his ankles and drew a self-portrait. But when he was finished, he couldn't find the key. Thus encumbered, he needed 12 hours to hike--well, hobble--5 miles for help.

    One of the more spectacularly bad decisions of the last 12 months came from a New Mexico homeowner, at least if you believe his story. After catching a mouse in a glue trap, he explained, he took the trap outside and tossed it into a pile of burning leaves--only to see the rodent, now on fire, escape and run back inside, setting the house ablaze and burning it to the ground.

    And you will be glad to know that poor judgment and romance still go together. Chris Taylor of London got wind of his live-in girlfriend's affair when his parrot, Ziggy, mimicked her cooing, "I love you, Gary," and made kissing noises. Said the guilty woman after being evicted, "I couldn't stand Ziggy, and it looks now the feeling was mutual."

    You, like I, may have done some stupid things in the past year. But I'll bet you didn't do them in front of a talking parrot.
    “Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.” -George Carlin

  2. The Drawing Room   -   #2
    Busyman™'s Avatar Use Logic Or STFU!
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    I read the part in bold. Now that I get the gist of the post.

    I will read the rest later.

  3. The Drawing Room   -   #3
    clocker's Avatar Shovel Ready
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    My parrot is too busy pining for the fjords to pay any attention to me whatsoever.
    "I am the one who knocks."- Heisenberg

  4. The Drawing Room   -   #4
    sabien's Avatar Member
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    The part with the rat was fucking funny!!
    I'll beat your fists with my face

  5. The Drawing Room   -   #5
    j2k4's Avatar en(un)lightened
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    Quote Originally Posted by clocker
    My parrot is too busy pining for the fjords to pay any attention to me whatsoever.
    Ah, the fjords.

    Parrots love fjords and the like.

    Anywhere one can moor a brigantine, actually.
    “Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.” -George Carlin

  6. The Drawing Room   -   #6
    thewizeard's Avatar re-member BT Rep: +1
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    everyday is all fool's day...but today, I will pay tribute to..j2k4...













    j/k

  7. The Drawing Room   -   #7
    Skiz's Avatar (_8(I)
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    Quote Originally Posted by j2k4
    Quote Originally Posted by clocker
    My parrot is too busy pining for the fjords to pay any attention to me whatsoever.
    Ah, the fjords.

    Parrots love fjords and the like.

    Anywhere one can moor a brigantine, actually.
    Either that post made no sense or it was waaaay over my head.



    ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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  8. The Drawing Room   -   #8
    vidcc's Avatar there is no god
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skizo
    Quote Originally Posted by j2k4

    Ah, the fjords.

    Parrots love fjords and the like.

    Anywhere one can moor a brigantine, actually.
    Either that post made no sense or it was waaaay over my head.
    I could understand your lack of expertise when it comes to maritime vessels, however with your hunting skills I am shocked that you could be confused about deceased Psittaciformes.

    it’s an election with no Democrats, in one of the whitest states in the union, where rich candidates pay $35 for your votes. Or, as Republicans call it, their vision for the future.

  9. The Drawing Room   -   #9
    j2k4's Avatar en(un)lightened
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    Quote Originally Posted by vidcc
    Quote Originally Posted by Skizo

    Either that post made no sense or it was waaaay over my head.
    I could understand your lack of expertise when it comes to maritime vessels, however with your hunting skills I am shocked that you could be confused about deceased Psittaciformes.
    Deceased?

    Clocker's parrot is very much alive.

    Last dead parrot I saw was on a Monty Python skit loooong ago...
    “Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.” -George Carlin

  10. The Drawing Room   -   #10
    vidcc's Avatar there is no god
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    'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!


    do we really have to go through this?
    Last edited by vidcc; 04-22-2006 at 02:35 PM.

    it’s an election with no Democrats, in one of the whitest states in the union, where rich candidates pay $35 for your votes. Or, as Republicans call it, their vision for the future.

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