When Tom's wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer, and Tom on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!"
"Wow," Tom thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this..."
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A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to something behind the clerk.
"How much is that television set?" she asks.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the clerk said.
So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk and asks "How much is that television set behind you?"
The clerk replies, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Again, the girl walks out.
She again tries the next day, this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk and asks "How much is that television set behind you?"
The clerk again replies, "We don't sell to blondes!"
Well, the girl was kind of suspicious. She asks carefully, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
The clerk looks at the girl and says, "Because that's not a television, it's a microwave!"
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Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The first drunk replies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says "Well ya dumbass, your sitting on the mop bucket"
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