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Thread: New Rules For Life

  1. #1
    Guyver's Avatar FORUM STONER
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    New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years,because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know whatthe captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout ?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop f***in g with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a
    movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's looting.

    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

    Smith is a bag of douche,FACT.

  2. Lounge   -   #2
    peat moss's Avatar Software Farmer BT Rep: +15BT Rep +15BT Rep +15
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    Very good ! Can I add one tho ? When they design shampoo bottles can they put a Big "S" on the side of the fucking thing , tired of using the conditioner first .

  3. Lounge   -   #3
    Proper Bo's Avatar spmado BT Rep: +2
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    wtf's conditioner?

    As long as I've got a face
    You've got a place to sit

  4. Lounge   -   #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Proper Bo
    wtf's conditioner?
    It's a tragedy that you went bald early in life.

    Conditioner is what people with hair use to guard aginst going bald in the future, you bald cunt.

  5. Lounge   -   #5
    Busyman™'s Avatar Use Logic Or STFU!
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    Thanks for that, Guyver!

  6. Lounge   -   #6
    Proper Bo's Avatar spmado BT Rep: +2
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    Quote Originally Posted by dry snitch
    Quote Originally Posted by Proper Bo
    wtf's conditioner?
    It's a tragedy that you went bald early in life.

    Conditioner is what people with hair use to guard aginst going bald in the future, you bald cunt.
    Perhaps I'm just not a gay

    As long as I've got a face
    You've got a place to sit

  7. Lounge   -   #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Proper Bo
    Quote Originally Posted by dry snitch
    It's a tragedy that you went bald early in life.

    Conditioner is what people with hair use to guard aginst going bald in the future, you bald cunt.
    Perhaps I'm just not a gay
    You've got forty thousand posts on an internet forum. Of course you're fucking gay. Are you a mentalist or something.

  8. Lounge   -   #8
    Proper Bo's Avatar spmado BT Rep: +2
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    Enjoy your lifetime of ginger locks, poove.

    As long as I've got a face
    You've got a place to sit

  9. Lounge   -   #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Proper Bo
    Enjoy your lifetime of ginger locks, poove.
    If ever bawa needed a bloke as back up to say something that makes no fucking sense whatsoever, I reckon you'd be first in line.

    Congrats.

  10. Lounge   -   #10
    Proper Bo's Avatar spmado BT Rep: +2
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    Are you questioning the validity of my racial stereotyping?:shocked:

    As long as I've got a face
    You've got a place to sit

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