A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
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Subject: Air Traffic Control (ATC )-Texas style.......
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iranian Air 09. You are cleared to land on runway 18R."
Iranian Air: "Thank you, Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 18R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Libyan Air 1102. You are cleared to land on runway 36L."
Libyan Air: "Thank you, Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 36L. God is Great."
Pause: Static..
Iranian Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Iranian Air?"
Iranian Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT TO LAND IN OPPOSITE
DIRECTIONS ON THE SAME RUNWAY!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: Y'all be careful now, hear?"
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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
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