Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up --- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...
Little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?
"No," said Little Johnny, "He coaches Tennessee football, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost so she lowers her altitude and spots a man in a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground, elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault.
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The difference between having Guts and having Balls...
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls- is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
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Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
"She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."
The old lady fainted.
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