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Thread: Joke Contest

  1. #1
    (Yay I'm finally registered!&#33 *Ahem* Okay, this is a contest to see whose joke is the funniest. I'll just start it off with a boring joke: What kind of fruit teases you alot? A Bananananana! Good luck!

  2. Funny S**t   -   #2
    what do idiots do at computers?

    They put a seatbelt on, incase it crashes

  3. Funny S**t   -   #3
    Cool joke! I'll just add another joke to keep this moving along: There were three men. They exited a building and it was raining outside, and they didn't have umbrellas. Two of the men's hair got wet, while the third mans' wasn't. Why? Answer: The third man was bald.

  4. Funny S**t   -   #4
    Alright, here are some REAL good jokes :

    Blond and Blue

    A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.

    So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

    The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

    At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

    "No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."


    New Priest

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
    2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
    7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
    10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
    12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
    13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


    The Misdirected Vacation E-Mail

    An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

    When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

    When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:





    The Rabbit And The Bear

    Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. They went out for a walk and saw a magic golden frog. The rabbit and bear said, "Goodie, three wishes!" The frog then said, "No, six wishes since there are two of you." They got even more excited.

    The bear went first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest are females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

    Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.

    The bear hesitated, then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

    The rabbit already knew what he wanted, "I wish for a motorcycle!" POOF! His wish was granted.

    The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way! And, may I add, choose carefully your last wish!!"

    The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

    The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. With a smirk on his face he said, "I wish the bear were gay."


    The Little Girl And A Bird

    Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

    "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

    When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

    Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

    After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."


    Also, check this link out for some frustrating fun

  5. Funny S**t   -   #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    and the winner is........ THE_____ONE

  6. Funny S**t   -   #6
    A computer geek was walking along a path one day when he saw a frog
    the frog said "pick me up, kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess"
    The geek smiled and picked up the frog, put it in his pocket and carried on walking
    the frog called from his pocket "kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess"
    the geek just smiled and carried on wallking
    the frog shouted from the pocket "are you deaf!!! kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess"
    the geek just smiled and kept on walking
    the geek stopped and lifted the frog from his pocket and said to the frog
    "when I wake in the morning I get ready and go to work until 8pm, when I come home I turn on my computer and play until late night...
    so, I don't have time for a girlfriend... but,my mates at work would think I am real cool for having a talking frog!"

    ~-- patience just takes practice --~

  7. Funny S**t   -   #7
    What Do U call a mexican without a lawn mower? Unenployed LOLL haha

  8. Funny S**t   -   #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    What do you tell an educated thug?
    13|2/\/ 2 5p33l

    Couldn't resist...


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