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Thread: Chili Cook-off

  1. #1
    hippychick's Avatar Memo, what memo? BT Rep: +5
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    NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
    the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For
    those of
    you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

    Houstonians actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the Rodeo
    comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at
    the
    astrodome.

    These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
    was
    visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ----------------------

    "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off.
    The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to
    be standing there at the judge's table asking directions where I
    could
    find the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
    the
    other two Judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
    that
    spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
    tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:


    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge #2--Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge #3--(me). Holy SHIT, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove
    dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
    out.
    I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.


    Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    I'm
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted
    to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when
    they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

    Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like
    I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
    more
    beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    backbone is
    in the front part of my chest. Plus, I'm getting shit-faced from
    all of
    the beer.


    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

    Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
    unable to
    taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
    barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound bitch is
    starting
    to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?


    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
    I
    can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
    needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
    bleeding by
    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
    burning my
    lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
    stop
    screaming. Screw those rednecks!


    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices
    and peppers.

    Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic.
    Superb.

    Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it
    will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    that
    slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


    Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili

    Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
    peppers.

    Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
    worried
    about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing
    uncontrollably.

    Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
    sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
    which
    slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
    shit to
    match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
    killed
    me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm
    not
    getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
    through
    the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


    Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili

    Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold
    but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
    nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
    out,
    fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
    if
    he's going to make it. Poor bugger, I wonder how he'd have reacted
    to a
    really hot chili?

  2. Funny S**t   -   #2
    Virtualbody1234's Avatar Forum Star BT Rep: +2
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    Hawt!

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