Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his dick in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
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Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.
"Yes, I see," he says. "And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"
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The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?
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A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
"Congratulations!" says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
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A blonde girl walks into the Salon wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut. The hair stylist looks and says, "You'll need to take off the headphones first."
"If I take them off I'll die!" the girl exclaims.
For a while the stylist struggles around the headphones but it's no use. Again she asks the girl to remove the headphones.
"If I take them off I'll die!" the blonde responds again.
The stylist continues trying to cut around the headphones, but to no avail, the frustration builds. She decides to take the headphones off for her, gently so the girl doesn't notice. Sure enough, as soon as the headphones are removed the blonde girl drops to the floor and dies.
The stylist can't believe it. Amazed, he picks up the headphones and holds them up to his ears, and listens:
"Breathe in....breathe out....breathe in...."
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