emily

[baccyman]

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
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A tour bus full of American tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the tour guide who says, "This is the spotwhere the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shooot! Just missed it by a half hour!"
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Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.
"OK", he says, "Come on in!"

The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too. St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.

She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company.

St. Peter replies, "OK. Come on in. But you can only stay three days."
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

[gatorade]

lol, nice jokes