Social Security Sex:

[trinity1011]

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."

[trinity1011]

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

[Ad]

Guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants

the bartender says "whats that there for?

the guy says yeah its good here

the bartender says "doesnt that enoy u?

yes he says its driving me nuts

[trinity1011]

WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

[trinity1011]

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

[trinity1011]

[Ad]

2 guys in abar together 1 guy says m8 do u know where i can get a decent root???

The guy says yeah go across the road m8 trust me how much u got

about $40

ok go there then again trust me

so he goes across the road knocks on the door

a young blond female come out she asks "what do u want"

Ive heard I can get a decent root here from u

how much u got she asks??

about $40

ill tell u what she says ill take my eye out u can stick your dick into my eye socket and fuck away

ok he says

so he sticks his disk in her eye socket and they go at once the man fiunally cums he takes his dick out

the woman wipes all the muck out of here socket puts her eye back in

ok I must come here more often he says

yeah she says next time ill make sure to keep an eye out for ya

[Riddler]

The three stages of sex in married life:

1) House sex.........you go at it in every room in the house.

2)Appointment sex.........you ask if she'll be available for a quickie on the weekend.

3)Hallway sex...........you pass each other in the hallway and say; " Fuck you ! "

[ericz_42]

A man is leaving on buisness for a week. He has a beautiful wife and fears that she may cheat on him. So he goes to pick a duildo. He exlpains his situation to the store owner and asks for the best duildo they have. The shopkeeper replied, "Well i am not sure you want the best we have". The man insists to see it. The store owner bring out a carboard box labeled Vodoo Dick. "Its voice commanded I'll demonstrate. Vodoo Dick , dog." The duildo immediatly flew at the dog to the mans amazement. "I'll take it" , said the man. "OK but remember how to stop it, Vodoo Dick back in the box."

The man gave Vodoo Dick to his wife and explained how to use it. He neglected to tell her how to remove it.

About two days after he had left his wife used Vodoo Dick. When she was done she said Vodoo Dick stop. The Vodoo Dick didnt stop. After about 20 minutes of trying different command and trying to manually remove it she has no choice to go to the hospital.

On her way over she was stop by a state trooper for speeding. "Whats your hurry maam ?" asked the state trooper. She explained her situation to him. He wasnt amused and said, "Vodoo Dick my ass!"

[trinity1011]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says,
"It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is.
" Boy - "I have a baseball." Man -
"That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside.
" Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks,
it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says,
"It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That's way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"