Have You Heard The One About.....

[Riddler]

............with a box under his arm, pulls up a stool and calls the bartender over.
Guy: " I'm a little light on cash today so I have a proposition for you. "
Bartender: " Go ahead. "
Guy: " If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen in your life, can I get a drink ' on the house ' ? "
Bartender: " Well, buddy, I've seen it all before, but I'm in a good mood so....dazzle me. "
The guy opens up the box and pulls out a miniature piano. He reaches in again and pulls out a hamster. He sets a little stool up at the piano and the hamster scurries up to it and starts playing. By this time, a crowd is starting to gather around to check this out.
Bartender: " Well, if that's all you got, I'm afraid you're gonna stay thirsty my friend. "
The guy shrugs and reaches into the box once more and pulls out a frog, puts it near the tiny piano and it starts singing; " Great Balls Of Fire " while the hamster is banging away on the keyboard.
Just then, a woman slaps a c-note on the bar in front of the guy and says; " I'll give you a hundred bucks for that frog, mister. " The guy considers it for a second and says: " Sold ! " and the woman grabs the frog and leaves the bar.
The bartender looks at the guy, shakes his head and says: " You know buddy, you just gave away a fortune right there, and just because you wanted a drink. "
The guy smiles and says: " Not really. The hamster's a ventriloquist. "

[4play]

that joke is so bad that it is funny

[tite-wad]

[Riddler]

.......with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps up onto the bar and starts devouring everything in sight....olives, limes, peanuts, pretzels....anything he can get his hands on. Then he leaps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, stuffs it into his mouth and somehow manages to swallow it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy; " DID YOU SEE WHAT YOUR FRICKIN" MONKEY JUST DID ? " The guy says; " No, what ? " The bartender says; " He just ate the cue ball from MY pool table...whole ! " The guy says; " Yeah, well that doesn't surprise me, the little bastard eats everything....sorry 'bout that, I'll pay for the ball & stuff. " So, the guy finishes his drink, pays the bill & gives the bartender a little extra coin, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar, looking for something to eat. He grabs a maraschino cherry out of a customer's drink, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender's disgusted, says; " Did you see that ? " The guy never looks up from his drink & just says; " What now ? " The bartender says; " Your monkey just stuck a cherry up his ass and then ate it ! " The guy says; " Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first. "

[Riddler]

.............and orders a glass of pop. The bartender says; " What's goin' on Chief, tryin' to give it up ? " The guy says; " No....the ol' lady says if I come home stinkin' of booze and puke again, she's gonna leave me & take everything with her. I think she's serious this time. " The bartender nods and looks him over for a while, then says; " I take it you don't hold your liquor too well, huh ? " " No, " the guy mumbles into his soda; " I have a tendency to lose my lunch & everything else when I get shitfaced. There's no hiding it when I get home.....the fact is, I'm a pretty sloppy drunk. Maybe it's time to quit. " The bartender nods and walks away for a few minutes. When he comes back, he notices the guy staring longingly at the glass of scotch in front of the man next to him. The bartender leans in and says; " Listen, it's not really any of my business but........I've been in this racket for a very long time pal, and I've learned a thing or two about how to survive coming home to the wife after a few too many. " " Yeah ?.....I'm listening, " the guy perks up. The bartender says; " Well....one of the old tricks that usually buys you some breathing room is; if you've hurled all over yourself, pull out a $50 dollar bill and explain to the missus that some drunk bumped into you on the street, puked all over your suit and then felt so bad he gave you fifty bucks for the drycleaning bill. "
The guy starts picturing how he could pull this off and a big grin lights up his face...." Hey, you know what ? I think that just might work ! .........what the hell, I'll have what HE'S having....and make it a double ! "
So, inevitably the guy is soon staggering home, completely wrecked. He starts feeling a major nausea come over him like a tidal wave and ducks into an alley to do the deed. He manages to find his way home and just as he walks in the door, his wife is standing there, arms crossed, looking extremely pissed; ' I knew it ! You disgusting pig ! You smell like a goddamn sewage plant....that's it, I've had enough. I'm leaving you for good ! " The guy fumbles around in his pocket saying; " Wait a sec....hang on...it's not my fault...some drunk puked on me and gave me $50 for ruining my suit....look ! " His wife grabs the bill from his hand, looks it over and says; " This is a $100 bill, you asshole. " The guy says; " Oh yeah, he shit in my pants as well. "

[Riddler]

........and grabs a spot next to a very sexy lady. He waits til she can see him through the mirror behind the bar, then looks at his watch and raises his eyebrows. She notices this and says: " Is your date running late ? " " Oh, no. " says the guy; " I just bought this state-of-the-art watch from Japan and I was just testing it. " She says; " Testing it for what ? " The guy explains; " Well, it uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me. " She laughs and says; " OK, what's it telling you now ? " " Well, it's telling me that you're not wearing any panties, " says the guy. The woman squints her eyes at him and says; " I think you got robbed on that watch, pal. It so happens that I AM wearing panties. "
The guy taps the face of the watch and says; " Hmm....damn thing must be an hour fast. "

[MD1032]

That last one was awesome!!!!

[kylman5000]

.... and sits down. he asks the bartender if he wants to see something cool. bartender agrees, so the man pulls out a midget who automaticaly starts playing the miniture piano he brought with him. The bartender says, "thats amazing, where did you find him?" the man replies, "this magic lamp, you wanna try" the batender says sure. he rubs the lamp and *poof* out pops a genie. "I will grant you one wish" The bartneder thinks for a moment, and says "I wish for a million bucks" and *poof* out coms a millions quacking ducks. The bartender says "wtf? i asked for a million bucks" the man says "well, you think i asked for a six inch pianist?"

[H.H.]

A young Indian Brave went to see the big chief Running Bear with a troubled look on his face, so the chief inquired "what is wrong, young brave, why do you look so troubled?"

The young brave replied: "I need to know how NAMES are given to newborn indian children"

The chief said: "Well if this is all that's troubling you, you will find it is all very simple!"

"Let me tell you exactly how it is done:"

"When a new child is born I take a look around, I look at the sky, I look at the woods and the meadows around and if I see a falcon flying in the sky, then the child will be called Flying Falcon.... OR if I see a deer running into the woods, then the child will be called Running Deer..."

"But... why are you so concerned about all this, Two Fucking Dogs???"

H.

[Riddler]

.........with his wife. He goes off to shake his snake and leaves her at the bar. A drunk staggers over to her and says; " You got great tits...(hic)....can I squeeze 'em ? "
The woman shakes her head in disgust and tells the guy; " Get away from me you loser. "
The drunk then checks out the rest of her and slurs; " How 'bout yer ass....(belch)..... Gimme a lil' feel, baby. "
She turns on him and says; " Listen asshole, if I were you, I'd fuck off before my husband comes back or you'll get your face re-arranged. "
The drunk shows no sign of fear and grins at her; " I wanna tip you upside-down and fill your pussy up with...(hic)...beer and drink it all in one shot. "
" RIGHT....THAT'S ENOUGH !!!.........." shouts the woman. Just then, her husband comes out from the can and says; " What the hell's goin' on here ? "
His wife runs up to him and tells him; " That drunk over there said he wanted to squeeze my tits ! "
Her husband lifts an eyebrow and starts to roll up his sleeve; " Oh he did, did he ? "
She says; " That's not all. He said he wanted to feel my ass ! "
Hubby's looking pretty pissed now and starts walking in the direction of the drunk.
The wife calls after him; " That's not the best part ! He said he wanted to tip me upside-down, fill my pussy with beer and drink it from me in one shot ! "
The guy stops in his tracks, rolls down his sleeves and sits down at a table.
The wife looks at him in amazement and says; " What are you doing ?! Aren't you going to kick the shit out of him ?! "
Hubby shakes his head and says; " Not a chance. I'm not about to mess with a guy who can drink that much beer. "