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Thread: We Hate You.

  1. #1
    Infested Cats's Avatar Mike Victory
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    I didn't write this, but it's quite accurate:

    Welcome to the Internet.

    No one here likes you.

    We're going to offend, insult, abuse, and belittle the living hell out of you. And when you rail against us with "FUCK YOU YOU GEEK WIMP SKATER GOTH LOSER PUNK FAG BITCH!1!!", we smile to ourselves. We laugh at you because you don't get it. Then we turn up the heat, hoping to draw more entertainment from your irrational fuming.

    We will judge you, and we will find you unworthy. It is a trial by fire, and we won't even think about turning down the flames until you finally understand.

    Some of you are smart enough to realize that, when you go online, it's like entering a foreign country ... and you know better than to ignorantly fuck with the locals. You take the time to listen and think before speaking. You learn, and by learning are gladly welcomed.

    For some of you, it takes a while, then one day it all dawns on you - you get it, and are welcomed into the fold.

    Some of you give up, and we breathe a sigh of relief - we didn't want you here anyway. And some of you just never get it. The offensively clueless have a special place in our hearts - as objects of ridicule. We don't like you, but we do love you.

    You will get mad. You will tell us to go to hell, and call us "nerds" and" geeks". Don't bother ... we already know exactly what we are. And, much like the way hardcore rap has co-opted the word "nigger", turning an insult around on itself to become a semiserious badge of honor, so have we done.

    "How dare you! I used to beat the crap out of punks like you in high school/college!" You may have owned the playing field because you were an athlete. You may have owned the student council because you were more popular. You may have owned the hallways and sidewalks because you were big and intimidating. Well, welcome to our world.

    Things like athleticism, popularity, and physical prowess mean nothing here. We place no value on them ... or what car you drive, the size of your bank account, what you do for a living or where you went to school.

    Allow us to introduce you to the concept of a "meritocracy" - the closest thing to a form of self-government we have. In The United Meritocraticnation-states of the Internet, those who can do, rule. Those who wish to rule, learn. Everyone else watches from the stands.

    You may posses everything in the off-line world. We don't care. You come tithe Internet penniless, lacking the only thing of real value here: knowledge.

    "Who cares? The Internet isn't real anyway!" This attitude is universally unacceptable. The Internet is real. Real people live behind those handles and screen names. Real machines allow it to exist. It's real enough to change government policy, real enough to feed the world's hungry, and even, for some of us, real enough to earn us a paycheck. Using your own definition, how "real" is your job? Your stock portfolio? Your political party? What is the meaning of "real", anyway?

    Do I sound arrogant? Sure ... to you. Because you probably don't get it yet. If you insist on staying, then, at the very least, follow this advice:

    1) No one, ESPECIALLY YOU, will make any law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

    2) Use your brain before ever putting fingers to keys.

    3) Do you want a picture of you getting anally raped by Bill Clinton while you're performing oral sex on a cow saved to hundreds of thousands of people's hard drives? No? Then don't put your fucking picture on the Internet. We can, will, and probably already HAVE altered it in awful ways. Expect it to show up on an equally offensive website.

    4) Realize that you are never, EVER going to get that, or any other, offensive web page taken down. Those of us who run those sites LIVE to piss off people like you. Those of us who don't run those sites sometimes visit them just to read the hate mail from fools like you.

    5) Oh, you say you're going to a lawyer? Be prepared for us to giggle with girlish delight, and for your lawyer to laugh in your face after he explains current copyright and parody law.

    6) The Web is not the Internet. Stop referring to it that way.

    7) We have already received the e-mail you are about to forward to us. Shut up.

    8) Don't reply to spam. You are not going to be "unsubscribed".

    9) Don't ever use the term "cyberspace" (only William Gibson gets to say that, and even he hasn't really used it for two or three books now). Likewise, you prove yourself a marketing-hype victim if you ever use the term "surfing".

    10) With one or two notable exceptions, chat rooms will not get you laid.

    11) It's a hoax, not a virus warning.

    12) The internet is made up of thousands of computers, all connected but owned by different people. Learn how to use *your* computer before attempting to connect it to someone else's.

    13) The first person who offers to help you is really just trying to fuck with you for entertainment. So is the second. And the third. And me.

    14) Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.

    15) Never get comfortable and arrogant behind your supposed mask of anonymity. Don't be surprised when your name, address, and home phone number get thrown back in your smug face. Hell, some of us will snail-mail you a printed satellite photograph of your house to drive the point home. Realize that you are powerless if this happens ... it's all public information, and information is our stock and trade.

    16) No one thinks you are as cool as you think you are.

    17) You aren't going to win any argument that you start.

    18) If you're on AOL, don't worry about anything I've said here. You're already a fucking laughing stock, and there's no hope for you.

    19) If you can't take a joke, immediately sell your computer to someone who can. RIGHT NOW.

    Pissed off? It's the TRUTH, not these words, that hurts your feelings. Don't ever even pretend like I've gone & hurt them. We don't like you. We don't want you here. We never will. Save us all the trouble and go away.

  2. Lounge   -   #2
    j2k4's Avatar en(un)lightened
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    Good piece, IC.
    “Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.” -George Carlin

  3. Lounge   -   #3
    Illuminati's Avatar Simple Bystander BT Rep: +7BT Rep +7
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    Originally posted by j2k4@9 July 2003 - 05:43
    Good piece, IC.
    Good? That's what I've been looking for for a while to show any goddamn noobs

    Where'd you get it from, IC?


  4. Lounge   -   #4
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    #18 is a classic

    Is this pinworthy ?

  5. Lounge   -   #5
    MagicNakor's Avatar On the Peripheral
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    It should be.

    things are quiet until hitler decides he'd like to invade russia
    so, he does
    the russians are like "OMG WTF D00DZ, STOP TKING"
    and the germans are still like "omg ph34r n00bz"
    the russians fall back, all the way to moscow
    and then they all begin h4xing, which brings on the russian winter
    the germans are like "wtf, h4x"
    -- WW2 for the l33t

  6. Lounge   -   #6
    mogadishu's Avatar {}"_++()_><.,{}}[":+
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    its sooooooooo long.. please post an audio book verson of it. heh.
    signature removed, check the boardrules.

  7. Lounge   -   #7
    Jayhawk
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    well i wanna post before it becomes pinned very nice really long could use a book version as well

  8. Lounge   -   #8
    Illuminati's Avatar Simple Bystander BT Rep: +7BT Rep +7
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    This definitely deserves a Pinned, though I don&#39;t put the commands in in the end Mods?

    I&#39;m not sure about an audio version, but I can try to see if I can do a Flash version later

    In the meantime, allow me to round it off with #20

    20) Elite, l33t, 1337...It doesn&#39;t matter what the f*** you call it, use it and expect to be laughed out of the forum. It isn&#39;t cool to use it and it makes you look pathetic and makes you look like you need some attention. In truth, it makes you look like a immature 13-year old kid - There&#39;s nothing wrong with using semi-proper english, and the fact that you&#39;re taking your time to write it in Elite text kinda makes you that much more sad.

    Those who write in text message talk and all caps, don&#39;t think this doesn&#39;t apply to you - You guys are guilty as charged as well


    Well, that&#39;s that off my chest


  9. Lounge   -   #9
    Eugenius
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    Originally posted by Illuminati@9 July 2003 - 08:33
    I&#39;m not sure about an audio version, but I can try to see if I can do a Flash version later
    we could get Maddox (http://maddox.xmission.com/ for those of you unaware of his genius) to do the uadio version&#33;

  10. Lounge   -   #10
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    sounds slightly elitest to me.

    bloody nerds
    avatar rules are:
    max 80x80
    100kb

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