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Thread: A Couple More Jokes

  1. #1
    Subject: Contagious

    There was a classroom of young children, the teacher
    says "today children

    I want you to give me an example of how and when you
    would use the word contagious"

    Little Sarah says " My brother has got measles and my
    mum says that we must not go to close to him as it is
    contagious"

    Teacher : "Well done Sarah"

    Billy says " I know Miss my dad has got the flu and he
    can't kiss us goodnight because he says it is very
    contagious"

    Teacher : Well done Billy



    Johnny speaks out in a broad Irish accent and says "My
    dad came in from the backyard last night and he said,
    that stupid next door neighbor is painting his house
    with a 2 inch paint brush and.....

    it's going to take the contagious."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

    Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry
    hamper according to lights and darks.

    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
    see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed
    areas.

    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
    mental note - must do more sit ups.

    Get in the shower.

    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
    wide loofah and pumice stone.

    Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with
    43 added vitamins.

    Wash your hair again to make sure its clean.

    Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner
    enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for
    fifteen minutes.

    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
    ten minutes until red.

    Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
    Cake body wash.

    Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it
    has all come off).

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
    waxed instead.

    Scream loudly when your husband flushes toilet and you
    lose the water pressure.

    Turn off shower.

    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

    Spray mold spots with Tilex.

    Get out of shower.

    Dry with towel the size of a small country.

    Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

    Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit,
    tweeze hairs.

    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
    on head.

    If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
    exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an
    hour and a half getting dressed.

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
    and leave them in a pile.

    Walk naked to the bathroom.

    If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at
    her making the "woo-woo" sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in
    your gut to see if you have pecs (no).

    Admire the size of your wiener in the mirro and
    scratch your arse.

    Fart.

    Get in the shower.

    Dont bother to look for a washcloth (you dont use
    one).

    Wash your face.

    Wash your armpits.

    Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just
    rinse it off.

    Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

    Majority of time is spent washing your privates and
    surrounding area.

    Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the
    soap bar.

    Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

    Make a shampoo mohican.

    Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the
    mirror again.

    Pee (in the shower).

    Rinse off and get out of the shower.

    Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the
    curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

    Partially dry off.

    Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire
    wiener size again.

    Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the
    floor.

    Leave bathroom fan and light on.

    Return to the bedroom with the towel around your
    waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel,
    shake your wiener at her and make the "woo-woo" sound
    again.

    Throw wet towel on the bed.

    Get dressed in under two minutes.

    Fart.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    President Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar.
    A guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour.
    What are you guys doing in here?"
    Bush says, "We're planning WW III. This time we're
    going to kill 40 million Iraqis and one blonde with big hooters."
    The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big hooters? Why kill a
    blonde with big hooters?"
    Bush turns to Blair, punches him on the shoulder and
    says, "See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry
    about the 40 million Iraqis! Let's ROLL!!!"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    and now a local joke.....if you live in southern uk you will get it


    BREAKING NEWS!! BREAKING NEWS!! BREAKING NEWS!! BREAKING NEWS!!

    A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Portsmouth in
    the early hours of Wednesday 14th Aug 2003.
    Epicentre: Fratton, Portsmouth .
    Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering
    "mentill " and " innit". The earthquake decimated the area causing
    approximately 30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of
    mementos from theBalearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond
    repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many
    locals were woken well before their benifit giro's arrived.
    Portsmouth Evening News reported that hundreds of residents were
    confused and bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.
    One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay britney Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
    I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning.".
    Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
    The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight and chicken nuggets to the area to help the stricken locals.
    Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
    HOW CAN YOU HELP?? This appeal
    is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate
    to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, the
    most needed include: > Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit
    tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport
    boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be
    harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs
    include; Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of
    Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation
    forms, 2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9,
    5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of
    those affected. Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of
    posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas.

    lol edit i live in portsmouth so i allowed! and i not a racist but the contagious joke only works with the lovely irish accent and the bush joke is isnt about iraqis its about bush n blair and them thinkin we stupid. sorry for any offence caused in advance,

  2. Funny S**t   -   #2
    scribblec's Avatar Poster
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    england
    Posts
    3,326
    lmao!!!
    jokes bout portsmout
    u shoud of done london same thing

  3. Funny S**t   -   #3
    Poster
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Posts
    824
    Originally posted by boyzeee@7 September 2003 - 13:37
    Subject: Contagious

    There was a classroom of young children, the teacher
    says "today children

    I want you to give me an example of how and when you
    would use the word contagious"

    Little Sarah says " My brother has got measles and my
    mum says that we must not go to close to him as it is
    contagious"

    Teacher : "Well done Sarah"

    Billy says " I know Miss my dad has got the flu and he
    can't kiss us goodnight because he says it is very
    contagious"

    Teacher : Well done Billy



    Johnny speaks out in a broad Irish accent and says "My
    dad came in from the backyard last night and he said,
    that stupid next door neighbor is painting his house
    with a 2 inch paint brush and.....

    it's going to take the contagious."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

    Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry
    hamper according to lights and darks.

    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
    see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed
    areas.

    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
    mental note - must do more sit ups.

    Get in the shower.

    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
    wide loofah and pumice stone.

    Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with
    43 added vitamins.

    Wash your hair again to make sure its clean.

    Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner
    enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for
    fifteen minutes.

    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
    ten minutes until red.

    Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
    Cake body wash.

    Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it
    has all come off).

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
    waxed instead.

    Scream loudly when your husband flushes toilet and you
    lose the water pressure.

    Turn off shower.

    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

    Spray mold spots with Tilex.

    Get out of shower.

    Dry with towel the size of a small country.

    Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

    Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit,
    tweeze hairs.

    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
    on head.

    If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
    exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an
    hour and a half getting dressed.

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
    and leave them in a pile.

    Walk naked to the bathroom.

    If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at
    her making the "woo-woo" sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in
    your gut to see if you have pecs (no).

    Admire the size of your wiener in the mirro and
    scratch your arse.

    Fart.

    Get in the shower.

    Dont bother to look for a washcloth (you dont use
    one).

    Wash your face.

    Wash your armpits.

    Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just
    rinse it off.

    Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

    Majority of time is spent washing your privates and
    surrounding area.

    Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the
    soap bar.

    Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

    Make a shampoo mohican.

    Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the
    mirror again.

    Pee (in the shower).

    Rinse off and get out of the shower.

    Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the
    curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

    Partially dry off.

    Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire
    wiener size again.

    Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the
    floor.

    Leave bathroom fan and light on.

    Return to the bedroom with the towel around your
    waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel,
    shake your wiener at her and make the "woo-woo" sound
    again.

    Throw wet towel on the bed.

    Get dressed in under two minutes.

    Fart.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    President Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar.
    A guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour.
    What are you guys doing in here?"
    Bush says, "We're planning WW III. This time we're
    going to kill 40 million Iraqis and one blonde with big hooters."
    The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big hooters? Why kill a
    blonde with big hooters?"
    Bush turns to Blair, punches him on the shoulder and
    says, "See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry
    about the 40 million Iraqis! Let's ROLL!!!"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    and now a local joke.....if you live in southern uk you will get it


    BREAKING NEWS!! BREAKING NEWS!! BREAKING NEWS!! BREAKING NEWS!!

    A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Portsmouth in
    the early hours of Wednesday 14th Aug 2003.
    Epicentre: Fratton, Portsmouth .
    Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering
    "mentill " and " innit". The earthquake decimated the area causing
    approximately 30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of
    mementos from theBalearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond
    repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many
    locals were woken well before their benifit giro's arrived.
    Portsmouth Evening News reported that hundreds of residents were
    confused and bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.
    One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay britney Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
    I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning.".
    Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
    The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight and chicken nuggets to the area to help the stricken locals.
    Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
    HOW CAN YOU HELP?? This appeal
    is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate
    to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, the
    most needed include: > Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit
    tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport
    boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be
    harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs
    include; Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of
    Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation
    forms, 2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9,
    5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of
    those affected. Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of
    posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas.

    lol edit i live in portsmouth so i allowed! and i not a racist but the contagious joke only works with the lovely irish accent and the bush joke is isnt about iraqis its about bush n blair and them thinkin we stupid. sorry for any offence caused in advance,
    i dont get the contagious joke

  4. Funny S**t   -   #4
    Poster
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    164
    Originally posted by EnJoi@10 September 2003 - 00:52
    i dont get the contagious joke
    Cunt ages, that's what i think it's suppose to be

  5. Funny S**t   -   #5
    lol, thats funny. Its going to take the cunt ages. lol.

  6. Funny S**t   -   #6
    ashutosh_cool16's Avatar Internet Addict
    Join Date
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    278
    haha... the contagious joke is too good....
    [IMG]http://img272.echo.cx/img272/9836/band8sw.gif[IMG]

  7. Funny S**t   -   #7
    cow_dung's Avatar 2010 Killua
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Vancouver B.C
    Posts
    292
    LOL

  8. Funny S**t   -   #8
    netweiser
    Guest
    i dont get the 1st joke either

  9. Funny S**t   -   #9
    RGX's Avatar Unstoppable
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    3,072
    try saying "its going to take the contagious" in a thick irish accent


    it should sound like


    "Its going to take the cunt ages"

  10. Funny S**t   -   #10

    love thos little Johnny riddles, heard them 1st in early high school, completely forgot about them till a few months ago ....

    http://www.greekspider.com/joke/joke7.htm
    http://www.funtown.com/19nfun/19nfun.cfm
    http://jokepost.com/johnny-2.html

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