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Thread: Just Some Funny Shit

  1. #1
    CadeLaguana's Avatar Poster
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    I am just going round sites and I found some stuff. I'll add some more for those who want to see it. This catagory is called Horrible Analogies as you will soon see why. From the way it looks, these are ones real stupid ass kids used.

    Taken from High School papers:

    She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

    Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

    Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

    He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

    The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

    Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

    The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

    They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

    The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

    The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

  2. Funny S**t   -   #2
    CadeLaguana's Avatar Poster
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    Funny newspaper headlines (well, semi-funny)

    1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
    2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
    3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
    5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
    7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
    8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
    10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
    12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
    13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
    14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
    16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
    17. War Dims Hope for Peace
    18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
    19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
    23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

  3. Funny S**t   -   #3
    CadeLaguana's Avatar Poster
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    THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES


    1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to
    visit a strip club at least once.

    2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

    3. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up
    to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the
    man lying beside her.

    4. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
    expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.

    5. Being a computer programmer means that you recognize and know all
    backdoors to any kind of software on any kind of computer
    in any timecritical moment.

    6. Being a detective means that you always find the killer just the minute
    before the criminal is about to commit some new horrifying crime.

    7. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
    place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and
    you can travel to any other part of the building you want
    without difficulty.

    8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
    will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent
    will do.

    9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
    beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

    10. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen
    at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
    instead.

    11. If in a black room: light one candle, it will be sufficient light
    for the whole room.

    12. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
    strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

    13. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

    14. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man
    invulnerable to bullets.

    15. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that
    could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for
    goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

    16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright
    and pant.

    17. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

    18. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
    large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to
    go off.

    19. When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

    20. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm
    and wisecracks are your best weapons.

    21. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them
    than 20 men firing at 1 man.

    22. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be
    investigated more closely.

    23. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath.
    German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

    24. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
    communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

    25. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings
    from international terrorist organizations - even though the job
    will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their
    own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

    26. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially
    if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating
    accident.

    27. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of
    software.

    28. Important data that terrorists want to get their hands on
    is always stored on ONE floppy disk only.
    It is not possible for the hero to make a backup of that floppy.

    29. Anyone typing on a computer when someone is looking over their
    shoulder type everything perfectly without having to use backspace.

    30. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
    sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
    opposite.

    31. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
    each other.

    32. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal
    damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

    33. When police arrive to a crime scene finding one man standing alone with
    fires all around him, loads of dead men and money flying around in the wind;
    there is only one possiblity: that man has to one of the good ones so
    there is no need to arrest him or question him further.

    34. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

    35. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
    seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
    child trapped inside.

    36. You can tell if somebody is British because they will be
    wearing a bow tie.

    37. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but
    at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the
    entire journey.

    38. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
    cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

    39. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
    down three days before their retirement.

    40. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely
    they will fall in love.

    41. Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's
    eighth birthday.

  4. Funny S**t   -   #4
    CadeLaguana's Avatar Poster
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    Useless funny warnings on products


    1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
    NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

    2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
    REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
    BEHIND YOU.

    3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
    USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

    4. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
    OPEN OTHER END.

    5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
    THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

    6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
    TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
    WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
    (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

    7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
    haemorrhoids
    LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
    THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
    DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
    MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

    8. On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink
    AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

    9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
    WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST
    CEREAL?

    10. On a Sears hairdryer -
    DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

    11. On a bag of Fritos -
    YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
    DETAILS INSIDE.

    12. On a bar of Dial soap -
    DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

    13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
    of the box)-
    DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

    14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
    PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

    15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
    WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

    16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
    FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

    17. On a Japanese food processor -
    NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

    18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
    WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

    19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
    INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

    20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
    DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
    HANDS OR GENITALS.

    21. On a child's superman costume -
    WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

    22. On some frozen dinners
    SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

    23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
    FITS ONE HEAD.

    24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
    DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

    25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
    DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

    26. On Nytol sleep aid
    WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

  5. Funny S**t   -   #5
    CadeLaguana's Avatar Poster
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    Human Resources solves another problem

    It has been brought to management`s attention that some individuals throughout the company
    have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

    Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type
    of language will be no longer be tolerated.
    We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your
    feelings when communicating with co-workers.

    Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange
    of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending
    our more sensitive employees.

    TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
    INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

    TRY SAYING: I`m certain that isn`t feasible.
    INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

    TRY SAYING: Really?
    INSTEAD OF: You`ve got to be shitting me!

    TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
    INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

    TRY SAYING: Of course I`m concerned.
    INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

    TRY SAYING: I wasn`t involved in the project.
    INSTEAD OF: It`s not my fucking problem.

    TRY SAYING: That`s interesting.
    INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

    TRY SAYING: I`m not sure this can be implemented.
    INSTEAD OF: This shit won`t work.

    TRY SAYING: I`ll try to schedule that.
    INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn`t you tell me sooner?

    TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
    INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

    TRY SAYING: He`s not familiar with the issues.
    INSTEAD OF: He`s got his head up his ass.

    TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
    INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

    TRY SAYING: So you weren`t happy with it?
    INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

    TRY SAYING: I`m a bit overloaded at the moment.
    INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I`m on salary.

    TRY SAYING: I don`t think you understand.
    INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

    TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
    INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

    TRY SAYING: I see.
    INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

    TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
    INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

    TRY SAYING: I don`t think this will be a problem.
    INSTEAD OF: I really don`t give a shit.

    TRY SAYING: He`s somewhat insensitive.
    INSTEAD OF: He`s a prick.

    TRY SAYING: She`s an aggressive go-getter.
    INSTEAD OF: She`s a ball-busting bitch.

    TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
    INSTEAD OF: You don`t know what the fuck you`re doing.

    Thank You,
    Human Resources

  6. Funny S**t   -   #6
    CadeLaguana's Avatar Poster
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    Funny True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms


    Some of these are pretty funny like the cow one.

    "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I
    thought."
    --------------------
    "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I
    realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
    --------------------
    Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
    A: Travelled by bus?
    --------------------
    This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers
    on the claim form were:
    Q - What warning was given by you?
    A - Horn
    Q - What warning was given by the other party?
    A - Moo
    --------------------
    "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
    elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
    concentration and hit a bollard."
    --------------------
    "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
    --------------------
    "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion
    reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
    --------------------
    "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
    --------------------
    "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked
    her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
    --------------------
    Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a
    hazardous nature?
    A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
    --------------------
    "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran
    into
    the rear of second car."
    --------------------
    "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
    --------------------
    "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
    --------------------
    "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
    headed over the embankment."
    --------------------
    "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
    intention."
    --------------------
    "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
    --------------------
    "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
    --------------------
    "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
    --------------------
    "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
    --------------------
    "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
    reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see
    the other car."
    --------------------
    "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
    joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
    --------------------
    "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
    --------------------
    "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
    --------------------
    "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
    --------------------
    "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a
    ditch by some stray cows."

  7. Funny S**t   -   #7
    CadeLaguana's Avatar Poster
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    Ok here is some more strange analogies

    The line separating painfully bad analogies from weirdly good ones
    is as thin as a soup made from the shadow of a chicken that was
    starved to death by Abraham Lincoln. Here are some fine examples:

    The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
    eating for a while.

    He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
    but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a
    land mine or something.

    Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can
    tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

    She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
    just before it throws up.

    It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had
    ever seen before.

    The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee
    (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure
    made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee
    hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

    The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating
    electric fan set on medium.

    He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that
    hunts dogs, I suppose.

    The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

    You know how in "Rocky" he prepares for the fight by punching sides
    of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he
    was in.

    He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
    as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

    Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in
    any PH cleanser.

    She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-
    temperature beef.

    She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

    It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
    to the wall.

    Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
    thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

    A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant.

    The painting was very Escher-like, as if Escher had painted an
    exact copy of an Escher painting.

    Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very
    often.

    They were as good friends as the people on "Friends."

    He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry,
    you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.

    The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.

    Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in
    mucus and then held up to catch the light.

    The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 20
    percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent
    black.

  8. Funny S**t   -   #8
    CadeLaguana's Avatar Poster
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    Well I'm getting tired. Hope some of you find these funny. I got a few laughs. I just thought I do something I normally wouldn't do. I needed a break to laugh.


    I'm off to sleep.


    Night



  9. Funny S**t   -   #9
    RGX's Avatar Unstoppable
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    v.funny, thanks for that

  10. Funny S**t   -   #10
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    eyes watering, heart hurts, no oxygen


    aghhh i need that good laugh thanks bro

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