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Thread: 40 Things To Avoid While Having Sex

  1. #1
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    >
    > > 40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN :
    > >
    > > 1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
    > > Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
    > > feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's
    worth
    > > by cutting out nonessentials. A proper assionate kiss is the ultimate
    > > form
    > > of foreplay.
    > > 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
    > > Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's
    > > difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to
    > > extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
    > > 3) NOT SHAVING.
    > > You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you
    > > rake
    > > repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her
    head
    > >
    > > from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
    > > 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
    > > Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
    get
    > > their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
    > > 5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
    > > Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
    > > trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly
    sensitive.
    > >
    > > They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking
    your
    > >
    > > tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
    > > 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
    > > Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
    > > thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus
    > > on
    > > the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
    > > 7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
    > > A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
    > > West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which
    > > you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown
    > > Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
    > > 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
    > > Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
    > > fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask
    > > her to take the damn things off.
    > > 9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
    > > Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
    > > 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
    > > Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
    > > side of the clitoris.
    > > 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
    > > Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
    > > plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there,
    > > keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
    > > 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
    > > Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
    > > waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant
    > > present, not a kid's toy.
    > > 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
    > > Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
    > > material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
    > > 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
    > > Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
    believe
    > > that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there
    > > than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay
    > > in
    > > principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get
    carried
    > > away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior
    of
    > >
    > > her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if
    she
    > > likes it.
    > > 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
    > > You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
    > > the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
    > > 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
    > > Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
    > > toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of
    > > buttons.
    > > 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
    > > A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
    > > 18) GOING TOO FAST.
    > > When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
    do
    > >
    > > is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
    > > assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly,
    > > with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
    > > 19) GOING TOO HARD.
    > > If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach,
    > > the
    > > pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
    > > seconds.
    > > 20) COMING TOO SOON.
    > > Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites
    of
    > > her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
    > > 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
    > > It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
    > > mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb
    vagina.
    > >
    > > At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to
    hold
    > >
    > > her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
    > > 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
    > > You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
    > > really don't know, don't ask.
    > > 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
    > > Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
    down
    > >
    > > there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on
    her
    > > clitoris.
    > > 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
    > > Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
    > > will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's
    about
    > >
    > > three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her
    > > to
    > > use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
    > > 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
    > > Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes
    it.
    > >
    > > When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
    > > what's necessary.
    > > 26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
    > > Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
    > > there. And don't grab her head.
    > > 27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
    > > In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.
    In
    > >
    > > real life, it just means more laundry to do.
    > > 28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
    > > Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
    all
    > > the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite
    > > so
    > > much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
    > > 29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
    > > This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
    > > directions.
    > > If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being
    > > drunk is an excuse.
    > > 30) TAKING PICTURES.
    > > When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words -
    "to
    > >
    > > show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
    > > 31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
    > > Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
    > > honey
    > > on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all
    > > handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
    > > 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
    > > There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
    > > 33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
    > > If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a
    > > Romanian
    > > gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual
    > > partner with snapped hamstrings.
    > > 34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
    > > Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they
    > > have
    > > a prostate. Women don't.
    > > 35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
    > > It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
    > > neck,
    > > if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and
    > > jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
    > > 36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS
    > > Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big
    > > turn-on.
    > > 37) TALKING DIRTY.
    > > It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line.
    If
    > >
    > > she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
    > > 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
    > > You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and
    > > she
    > > might even do the same for you.
    > > 39) SQUASHING HER.
    > > Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
    > > heavily, she will turn blue.
    > > 40) THANKING HER.
    > > Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup
    > > kitchen.

  2. Funny S**t   -   #2
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    nice way to discourage a guy from having sex. do this, dont do that JESUS FRAG if its that complicated i'll stick with my hand. she doesnt have breasts but she'll pour beer down my throat whenever i want.
    This would probably be amusing to women but to a guy it steeenks senior!

  3. Funny S**t   -   #3
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    Its supposed to be a joke dude!

  4. Funny S**t   -   #4
    Autumn Fox's Avatar n00b
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    IMO "How to make love gently manual", but quite amusing.

  5. Funny S**t   -   #5
    Nice guide, will come in handy for me in A few week.



  6. Funny S**t   -   #6
    CadeLaguana's Avatar Poster
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    Originally posted by Hasnain@22 October 2003 - 08:20
    > > 3) NOT SHAVING.
    > > You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you
    > > rake
    > > repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her
    head
    > >
    > > from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
    Ahhh on the contrary! I have a goatee and my fiance can't get enough. Like my older brother said to me in a whisper, when I first met her, "She wants some of your mustache."



    Besides, its a flavour saver...if you know what I mean....

  7. Funny S**t   -   #7
    What about just leaving Cab Money? Is that wrong too?

    I remember ths one time I was about to make love to this woman...when I pulled out my Johnson she said "Who the hell are you going to satisfy with that??" :">

    I looked down at the little fella and said proudly........ME

  8. Funny S**t   -   #8
    punkcat
    Guest
    [FONT=Optima] speakin as a gal, i dont like rules in bed, its much better just to go wid da flow! [COLOR=blue] i cant c many blokes bein able 2 remember more than one rule anyhooo!


    peace x

  9. Funny S**t   -   #9
    I resent that Cat...Guys have feelings...We feel hungry, sleepy, Bashful (as it were from my previous post), and trust me we all feel pain and sadness...

    This one time I smashed my thumb with the claw end of a hammer...Pain :'(
    And when the Dolphins lose...Sadness

    Wait, maybe It's not sadness, because I don't know how I'd feel if they won



    I'm way off topic here, so who's buying lunch???

  10. Funny S**t   -   #10
    Wolfmight's Avatar Poster BT Rep: +1
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    > > 39) SQUASHING HER.
    Aeey!, some of them fat chicho'z at school look like they squash the man.

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