Daily Jokes

[bigboab]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador. "Sod off, " says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind!"

[Pikachu]

When his eyes began to give him trouble, a Czech man went to a Prague ophthalmologist. The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.

"Can you read that?" the doctor asked.

"Can I read it?" the Czech replied: "Hell, I dated his sister."

[Pikachu]

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch, the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Damn," he says: "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies: "What are you worried about? We're both here."

[Pikachu]

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger. When he takes a bite out of it, he notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress: "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen and to his horror, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his armpit.

"That's disgusting!" the man says.

"You think that's disgusting?” the waitress replies: “You should see him make doughnuts."

[Pikachu]

Sorry for the inactivity but now the thread is back

A businessman comes into town and finds that the hotels are booked solid. Finally, one clerk says: "I have one room with two beds. I'm sure the other guy wouldn't mind splitting the bill."

The businessman says: "I'll take it!"

"Wait a minute," the clerk says: "This guy snores really loud. In fact, the other guests have complained about it."

The businessman says: "It doesn't matter. I'll take it."

The next morning, the clerk asks him how he slept. The businessman says: "I slept fine, the whole night through."

The clerk asks: "Didn't the snoring bother you?"

The businessman says: "No, when I walked into the room, the other guy was snoring, so I bent over and kissed him on the cheek, and said 'goodnight, beautiful.' Then he stayed up all night just watching me."

[Shinzen]

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!".

Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice".

"I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

[Shinzen]

A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America.

She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?"

The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya"

And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum"

The guy says: "In that case follow me"

So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!"

So she picks up his ~censored~, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"

[Shinzen]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is inthe third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy. can go to the third-grade. "

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?"



The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal waslooking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When youblow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lotof heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck Razz

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork Twisted Evil

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some menthan on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wifeafter they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME Laughing

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lotsof veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.Cool Embarassed



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions
wrong myself!"

[Shinzen]

Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good” sighs Arthur, “your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replied the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight”.

“Where did it go?” says Arthur.

“I don’t remember.”

[Shinzen]

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”