Daily Jokes

[Shinzen]

They wanted you to say this?
"Did you see saw?"
"Yeah I saw Saw."
"Did you see Saw 2?"
"I saw Saw 2 too"
..."Did you see Saw 3?"
"No but I saw Saw 4"
"Why did you see Saw 4 before you saw Saw 3 for" ?

[GrandKat]

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."


A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

[Shinzen]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them S*#t in my eye."

"You’re kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird S*%t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[bigboab]

Senior Citizens Texting Code

ATD: At The Doctor's




· BFF: Best Friend Farted






· BTW: Bring The Wheelchair






· BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth






· CBM: Covered By Medicare






· CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center






· DWI: Driving While Incontinent






· FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers






· FWIW: Forgot Where I Was






· FYI: Found Your Insulin






· GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!






· GHA: Got Heartburn Again






· HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement






· IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?






· LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out






· LOL: Living On Lipitor






· LWO: Lawrence Welk's On






· OMMR: On My Massage Recliner






· OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.






· ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up






· SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop






· TTYL: Talk To You Louder






· WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?






· WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again






· WTP: Where's The Prunes?






· WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

[slide45]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

[senegal]

[bigboab]

[bijoy]

A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again!!!
long but good

[User1]

[spikednet]

What's a horse's favorite dressing?

Ranch....
lame!