Daily Jokes

[jiaufoo]

Cinderella was sitting in her rocking chair, patting her cat, Puss-in-Boots in her lap, when her Fairy GodMother appeared. "Hi Cindy", said her FGM, "This is a follow up visit. Are you happy with your life? And Prince Charming?". "Oh,", said Cinderella, "The years with Prince Charming were so good. He was so kind and generous, but he didn't know how to invest and ended up selling our palace. He died working in our plantation many years ago, and that's why I'm old and shrivelled, poor and all alone in this cottage, except for my pet cat, Puss-in-Boots.".

Seeing a potential lawsuit for Undelivered Promises looming in the horizon, Fairy GodMother promptly granted Cinderella three more wishes.

For her first wish, Cinderella wished that she was rich again. With a swish of her wand, the FGM transformed the cottage into a beautiful, luxurious palace, loaded with urns overflowing with gold coins and jewels.

For her second wish, Cinderella wished for her youth back. And swoosh, with a second wave of the magic wand, Cinderella's ash-grey hair turned luxurious and golden blonde, her back straightened, her boobs swelled and regained her former perkiness, and Cinderella was restored to the lush blossom of her youth.

Restored to her former glory, Cinderella was feeling a certain moist heat in her formerly dessicated nether regions. For her third wish, Cindy asked for her Prince Charming back, but the FGM could not bring back the dead. So, Cinderella considered, and said, "Well, my faithful cat, Puss-in-Boots has been keeping me company for these many years since Prince Charming died. So, I would like him to be transformed into a man to keep me company for the rest of my years." And with a final swish of her wand, Puss-in-Boots's fur fell away. He stood up, and sprouted long, golden locks on his head, and rapidly grew into a handsome, muscular young man. Her duties fulfilled, the FGM vanished again.

"Oh Boots," moaned Cinderella, as she hugged and peppered kissed on his lips, pressing her heaving bossom to his manly chest, "How I have longed for this day..."

To which Puss-in-Boots replied, "I bet you regret having me fixed NOW, huh?".

[jiaufoo]

A blonde was low on cash and decided to hire herself out to do some handiwork. She knocked on the door of posh manor, and asked if there were any jobs that she could do for money. The owner of the house said, "I'll give you fifty bucks to paint the porch. Everything you need is in the garage." The blonde happily agreed, and hustles off to the garage.

Half an hour later, the blonde knock on the door again. "Ok, I'm done! I wanted to do a good job, so I give you three coats of paint!". The man is surprised (since the porch goes AROUND the whole house, but pays the blonde anyway.

As the blonde leaves, she says, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porsch."

[mixenzb]

funny stuff thanks guys

[jiaufoo]

Towards his twilight years, Solomon had developed a penchant for rare and exotic fruits. He decreed that anyone bringing him a new kind of fruit would be given a gold coin for their troubles. Naturally, he soon had all the rare and exotic fruits that he could handle. But after a few months, no one could offer Solomon anything new. He promptly doubled his offer of gold, but there were STILL no new fruits. Several months later, a merchant approached him with a small satchel. Solomon promptly, snatched the satchel, and samples the goods inside. "These are delicious," he declared. "What do you call them?". "Raisins, your majesty", replied the merchant. Solomon orders the merchant to bring him a new satchel of raisins every week, and the merchant complies. A few years later, the merchant returns empty handed. "Where are my raisins?!!!", thunders Solomon. "Apologies, your majesty", replies the merchant, "but my rabbit died."

[metalmohican]

Two monkeys in a bath,

first one goes "oooooh ooooooh ah ah ooooooh"

Second one says "Put some cold water in then!"

[anthonytsantia]

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

[bigboab]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," saysJimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even mastag night".
...
Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.

What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.

[anon]

A primary school teacher asks her pupils about what their parents do for a living:

- Let's see, Peter: what does your mother do?
- She's a doctor, miss!
- Bravo! See, a professional! That means women have earned a place in society. What about your dad, Elena?
- He's a mailman!
- Mailman! That's a very heavy job... really admirable. Mailmen are very necessary! What about your dad, Johnny?
- My old man plays the piano in a whorehouse, miss!

"Ooooh, I see," says the teacher, in shame. "Okay, let's see how much geography you have studied, take a sheet out."

All that in order to change the subject and prevent the rest from paying attention to this ordeal. Later on, once the class is over, the teacher calls Johnny's father to ask for an explanation:

- Look, I don't mean to intrude into your private life, but Johnny is saying you play the piano in a brothel and I'd like to clarify that.
- Of course, how the fuck do you want me to tell my seven-year-old son I'm a lawyer!?

[cvasseur]

evey met a guy called Cedric Vasseur, funny looking bloke!

[bmac007]

good stuff.... keep them coming