Tom Cruise might be the bravest crazy 49 year old gay person on the planet.

**mjmacky** · 11-02-2011, 09:08 PM

Originally Posted by megabyteme

Bottom line: DON'T SCREW WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR FOOD. EVER.

Passive aggressive steps aside, which I commonly practiced, only one customer had ever caused me enough of a reason to ever fuck with their food. She had 3 strikes against her previously (from my personal account). Her 4th pizza was made by me, I laced the sauce with some nostril snot and whatever chunks I could find. Baked it right in there. I came to her door with an attitude similar to the minutes before a UFC fight we were to have. I don't recall her ever ordering again, probably on account of the disposition, but I rightfully assume the bitch went out eating boogers.

**megabyteme** · 11-02-2011, 11:02 PM

Originally Posted by mjmacky

Passive aggressive steps aside, which I commonly practiced

Passive-aggressive customer service FTW!

I hated over-the-top stupid customers. And, I did have a certain tolerance level since i realized far earlier that the general public is STUPID. No exaggeration. Fucking stupid.

That said, there were occasional customers who went above and beyond "the norm". These weren't typically rude people, but people who could not order a large pepperoni and two colas to be delivered to their address to save their lives. Nearly...

Me: Thank you for calling [place], how may I help you.
Amazingly Stupid Customer: Yeah. I'd like to order a pizza.
Me: Great. What can I get for you?
ASC: Uhhh. Hang on. [Begins asking people in background what they want].
Me:

ASC: Do you have any specials?
Me: [Reads off 5 different options] do any of those sound good tonight?
ASC: Uhhh. What was the first one again?
Me:

[repeats]
ASC: [Begins talking to people in background again]...
Me: [Gets passive-aggressive] Can I put you on hold for a minute?
ASC: Oh, sure.
Me: [Puts ASC on hold and announces to restaurant that I have line#X] [Goes to fill soda] [Drinks 1/2 of soda] [Walks around talking to co-workers] *Time involved: 3-5 minutes*
Me: Sorry about that. Have you decided what I can get for you tonight?
ACS: He's back. What do you guys want?
Me:

Sorry, I'm going to have to put you back on hold again. [Does not wait for reply this time] [Visits with co-workers] [Drinks rest of soda] [Uses restroom] [Washes hands, ofc] *Time involved: 5-7 minutes*
Me: Alright. What can I get for you?
ACS: [All in one breath] Ineedalargepepperonitwocolasandandorderofbreadsticksmynameis[stupid customer]andmyaddressis[address]
Me: Your total will be (without any kind of discount- unless forced) $X, and that will be [longer than normal wait].

I saved that treatment for the most stupid of customers, but never had to put anyone on hold for more than 3 times. Each time, the customer figured out exactly what they wanted, and did NOT want me to put them on hold an additional time.

In almost EVERY case, the ASC ordered a "large pepperoni and 2 colas".

**mjmacky** · 11-02-2011, 11:23 PM

Originally Posted by megabyteme

In almost EVERY case, the ASC ordered a "large pepperoni and 2 colas".

I remember delivering to a 600+ lb man living in the projects that would order 2 extra large pepperoni pizzas and 6 2-Liter bottles of Diet Coke. He was always alone and it baffled me why he even bothered with Diet Coke. He could move around on his legs, but from the looks of it, couldn't fit through the doorway through which I would hand him his pizza and cokes.

Edit: Also, on the phone call note, I used to start ordering for them.

**megabyteme** · 11-03-2011, 05:08 PM

I wasn't all bad. There was one aged guy who was on oxygen, was a shut-in, who could not stand, and who's health was in particularly sad shape. He always ordered double meat, and double cheese on his (already substantially heart-unhealthy) sandwiches (which I admired a bit

). One night, he appeared particularly disconnected, and unhealthy. I sent the paramedics over to check on him.

After the paramedics did their check-up, they called me. They said he really appreciated my caring about him. It was pretty obvious no one else did.

**Artemis** · 11-04-2011, 08:35 PM

Well I can say I never worked in a pizzeria, but I did work as a gas station attendant while at university. Now there is a way to observe people at their dumbest, I'm sure some of them were escapees from a sheltered workshop. I also worked in retail for a while as a computer tech for a computer retail chain and have been rendered speechless by some of the questions I have been asked.

**megabyteme** · 11-07-2011, 06:38 PM

Honestly, I worked there way too long. I drove an old beat up Datsun pickup, and made more there than I could elsewhere (with tips and reimbursement for gas). Unfortunately, when people see you as the insignificant pizza guy, they let down any pretension that they would normally display to the public. I saw filthy houses, domestic disputes that didn't slow down in my presence, two guys sharing a (low-end) hooker, a guy in the back of a police car screaming that the police were going to kill him- on my next delivery he had been transported from the car to an ambulance, a woman (semi-cute) fingering herself in nurses scrubs (the pants portion) within 3 feet and making eye contact with me while standing next to her boyfriend, hundreds and hundreds of stupid, drunk college kids and "adults", aggressive idiots, and (occasional) some nice, generous people.

BTW, people who overtly display their Christian beliefs are almost NEVER willing to tip.

**mjmacky** · 11-07-2011, 11:23 PM

When my friend started up his own pizza joint, I helped out with deliveries. I delivered pizzas in a 2006 BMW 325i, that was back in 2006. I got some what the fuck looks, and some crazy tips. This was of course before the 99 % realized it was a fucking pipe dream, and I wasn't going to be the next Herman Cain.

**megabyteme** · 11-08-2011, 12:27 AM

RE: Cain- The woman gladly accepts a presidential suite, and goes to an expensive dinner, but is "shocked" he wants something in return? If she wasn't trying to peddle her ass, she would have paid for her own hotel room and met him during normal business hours at his office.