POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40
A computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note,
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
and a couple others...
Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults - Sign-up by
February 5, 2003.
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each
course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.
TOPIC 1
HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC 2
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3
IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND
AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice.
TOPIC 4
FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5
THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE
KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on Video.
TOPIC 6
LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help line support and support groups.
TOPIC 7
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.
TOPIC 8
HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11
LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS.
Online classes and role playing.
TOPIC 12
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13
HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER
IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
TOPIC 14
CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so
that they can be easily found.
Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.
And Finally...
BUMPERS STICKERS FOR LADIES --
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!
GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS
AND IN HIGH HEELS
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT
HER IN HOT WATER
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A
CAREER
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES
And last but not least:
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
I thought these were so cute, just had to post them...
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