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Thread: What Do You Guys Think Of The First Page Of My

  1. #1
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    It's a contemporary fantasy which will draw heavy influence from the videogame, Silent Hill.

    BLEAK


    1

    “Awake”

    The sound of the waves crashing against the eroded shore woke him. His name was Dorphon and he was fifteen years old. He opened his eyes and blinked the coarse sand out of his sockets. How long had he been lying there? He didn’t know. He pushed himself up on his hands and knees and took a startled look at his surroundings.

    He was on a beach. Heavy, grey clouds shrouded the sky and cast a dull hue over the sombre sea. The sand he was lying on was fine but cold and shared the same colour as above. Grey. A freezing wind whistled and spiralled around him as he tried to stand. His legs felt numb and lame and he fell back to the ground clutching them, they had begun to spasm with muscular ache. He wondered how long it had been since he’d last walked.

    The crashing roars of the cobalt waves imploding encircled him. The lead clouds above rambled overhead. Then Dorphon heard the call. A whimper that entangled his mind in an icy coil.

    “Come to us”

    Dorphon – startled by the noise - searched the environment for the source of the beckon. The wind pulled more harshly around him, trying to pull him. The graphite-shaded beach was empty. Dorphon shuddered against the coil of the wind and peered out towards the ocean.
    The call came to him to again, softer but more urgent.
    “We plead… Come to us.”
    “Come to us”

    A gentle force took over Dorphon’s body and without a moment’s hesitation he got to his feet. He found that the pain he had in his legs before was now absent and he began to walk slowly towards the sea. As he reached the waters, and his bare-feet sank into the damp sand, he saw them.

    The dolphins.

    Four or five of them, dancing among the darkened, rough waters. Their sleek bodies, weaving their way through the waves. Dorphon had been too focused on their majestic grace to notice that he was now up to his waist in the cold sea. His dark hair was matted to his scalp by the spray of water from each wave.

    The dolphins seemed to take notice of him. They stopped gliding through the waves and begun to swim towards him, their bodies arching up with each stroke of their tails. Dorphon didn’t know what to expect, so he remained motionless. The dolphins stopped within a few feet of him, one of them swam a little a closer and once again he heard that icy voice in his head.

    “See how we perform the dance of death… For mankind is dead”

    ----------------------
    Feedback please, what do you think of the atmosphere?
    www.never-dead.cjb.net

    Ardeth In Pre-Production

  2. Lounge   -   #2
    Aaron_T's Avatar A duck is watching.
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    its OK but what the hell is it about????
    Those who dont learn from the past are doomed to repeat It.

  3. Lounge   -   #3
    It's very difficult to constructively critcise 1 page of prose.
    You should finish your novel and submit it to a teacher or publishing house for criticism.

    On saying that, the imagery and metaphors are quite good, but, perhaps a little overdone.

  4. Lounge   -   #4
    chalice's Avatar ____________________
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    Not to sound presumptious but come back in 200 pages.

  5. Lounge   -   #5
    Originally posted by Wednesday@29 November 2003 - 21:48
    It's very difficult to constructively critcise 1 page of prose.
    You should finish your novel and submit it to a teacher or publishing house for criticism.

    On saying that, the imagery and metaphors are quite good, but, perhaps a little overdone.
    Overdone? Well it beats underdone. It caught my attention, which is saying somethig for a first page. It is hard in one sense to judge writing and content by only one page, but as an introduction, I can many times tell by the first couple chapters, if not the first few pages, if a novel (or short story) is going to be something enjoyable to follow. I've read many good short stories that have'nt been but a few pages. In my opinion, for what its worth, you have a good start. I suggest you not get too wrapped up in the first page, but have a destination and clear cut path on how to get there. You draft and redraft until you get it like you want it. Its way too early to get other peoples opinion because people many times, with good intensions in mind, influence or suggest changes that are not for the better. For myself, if on a project, think it would be better to not show but the finished product. Then... an editor could tear it to shreds.

    I would stick with it. Good Luck!
    SMARTY SMARTY HAD A PARTY NOBODY CAME BUT SMARTY

  6. Lounge   -   #6
    Darth Sushi's Avatar Sushi Lord
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    Yes, just as imnotanaddict stated, it's a bit "overdone" descriptively. It could be condense and still get the point across.

  7. Lounge   -   #7
    uNz[i]'s Avatar Out of order
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    Very readable, Vamp... well done!

    I wouldn't say it was "overdone" as such... but perhaps it could just use a little less polishing?

  8. Lounge   -   #8
    Cheese's Avatar Poster
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    It's an interesting start and I hope you'll continue working on it, the only thing I would change is the character's name but that's just me.

    Good luck

  9. Lounge   -   #9
    Skweeky's Avatar Manker's web totty
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    Well, the content is good, the idea and all, but I think there's something wrong with your style. It needs some work. Play a bit more with the structure of your sentences because some of them are a not 'gliding' enough

    e.g.:
    He found that the pain he had in his legs before was now absent and he began to walk slowly towards the sea.
    gramatically it's correct, you can't drop the second 'he',otherwise it could be confusing as people could think you're referring to the pain instead of the boy. I think it should be better if you made two sentences out of it.

    --->
    He found that the pain he had in his legs before was now absent. Slowly he began to walk towards the sea.
    Descpritive is a good, most fantasy writers use it, this piece reminds me a bit of the style of Feist. Just remember that is isn't always good to use complex sentences. Always read outloud what you wrote, most of the time it's only then you hear what's wrong with it.

    It's certainly a good start though, I'd love to read it once it's done



    PS: I'm not English, but I read a lot of english books, I could be wrong though, just my opinion

  10. Lounge   -   #10
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    You are using a style which many authors use nowadays.
    If you want your novel to be addictive you should experiment with some styles of your own.
    thats just my thought.don't get discouraged or anything because of it.

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