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Thread: A Bit Of A Laugh

  1. #1
    baccyman's Avatar n00b BT Rep: +11BT Rep +11BT Rep +11
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    A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
    "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

    The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

    About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

    He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

    Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out..........
    "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

  2. Funny S**t   -   #2
    baccyman's Avatar n00b BT Rep: +11BT Rep +11BT Rep +11
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    A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
    The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

    After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

  3. Funny S**t   -   #3
    baccyman's Avatar n00b BT Rep: +11BT Rep +11BT Rep +11
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    Margaret went to her new gynecologist for her first exam.
    The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ...huge vagina!!"

    She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-conscious about it. You didn't have to repeat yourself."

    The doctor replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!"

  4. Funny S**t   -   #4
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    Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
    "Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

    "No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

    This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

    One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

    As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

    Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"

  5. Funny S**t   -   #5
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    There was a Glasgow policeman on his horse waiting to cross
    Sauchiehall Street when a wee boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside
    him.Nice bike,"the bobby said"Did Santa bring it to you?" "Aye,"the little
    boy said,"He did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a £10.00 ticket for a construction & use offence.The cop said, "Next
    year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The wee boy
    looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there .. sir.Did Santa
    bring it to you?"
    Yes,he sure did,"chuckled the big Glasgow bobby. The little
    boy looked up at him and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes
    underneath the horse not on top."

  6. Funny S**t   -   #6
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    A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.” Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.” They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?” “Uh…yeah, we’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied. “Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.” “Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked. “I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said. “Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,” the genie said. “And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?” “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.” The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?” She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.” The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?” “Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly. “No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

  7. Funny S**t   -   #7
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    A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door. In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door. Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty. "Who was that?" the husband asks. "Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers. "Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

  8. Funny S**t   -   #8
    baccyman's Avatar n00b BT Rep: +11BT Rep +11BT Rep +11
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    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy
    >dress party.
    >
    >He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg
    >so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
    >A few days later he receives a parcel with a note,
    >"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
    >handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
    >leg you will be just right as a pirate".
    >
    >The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his
    >wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
    >A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says,
    >"Dear "Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a
    >monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your
    >bald head you will really look the part".
    >
    >Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his
    >wooden leg to emphasising his bald head
    >and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
    >
    >The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads,
    >"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup.
    >Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head,
    >stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."

  9. Funny S**t   -   #9
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    A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 10 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

  10. Funny S**t   -   #10
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    A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five-story hotel with a sign that read, "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends, they decided to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside." So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and, without hesitation, move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good, but there were still two more floors. On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight." The women seemed pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for the fourth. When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

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