A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

Affairs


First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son that they always wanted.

After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you
been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said....."Not this time."
*****************************************************************

Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that,
the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and
opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"
*****************************************************************

Third Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a bear.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.

Teh barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

[baccyman]

Why We Love Kids


A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later,
"Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes
later... "Da-aaad...." "What??" "I'm Thirsty!Can I have a drink
of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!" Five minutes later......"DAAAA-AAAAD......" "WHAT!!" "When
you come in to spank me...can you bring a drink of water?"

********************

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking a small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the
light he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep in
Daddy;s room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."

********************

During the Sunday morning service all the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my mommy says it's a bitch to iron."

********************

Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would
stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."

[baccyman]

Car in Heaven


Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to
drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the
Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"

[baccyman]

I want Natalie


The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His
clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the
madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one
of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see
Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges
$1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and
handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon
the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that
no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no
discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money,
the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end
of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my
services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man
replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister
who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to
give to you."

[baccyman]

The Good, Bad and Ugly


Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: You wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You're daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

[baccyman]

Doing the laundry!


Boudreaux (Pronounced Boo-Dro) was floating down the bayou on
his pirogue (A cajun boat pronounced Pee-Ro) heading in to town,
when he happend to see Flo sitting on her porch with her legs
hiked up and spread wide open exposing her beautiful pussy.

Boudreaux hollered up to her and asked, "Ms. Flo, what's that
there you got between your legs?"

Flo answered, "Why Boudreaux, that there's my washin' machine."

Boudreaux hollered back up and asked, "Well, can I come up there
and do me a load of laundry?"

Flo said, "Sure." So Boudreaux hopped out of his pirogue and
hurried up to the front porch and went to town on that wonderful
pussy of Flo's. When he had "washed his laundry," Boudreax got
back in his pirogue and headed in to town where he did some
shopping.

On his way back home he passed by Flo's shanty and there she
was, sitting on her porch with her legs hiked up and her
beautiful pussy exposed for all to see.

He hollered up to her and said, "Ms. Flo, what's that there you
got between your legs?"

She hollered back and said, "Now Boudreaux, I done tol' you
that's my washin' machine."

Boudreaux hollered back up and said, "Ms. Flo, you mind if I
come up there and do me another load of laundry?"

Flo hollered back down and said, "Boudreax, if that load of
laundry you got to do is the same size as the one before, you
can just do it by hand!"

[baccyman]

The Cat Clock


There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat
everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally
asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to
tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is
pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend,
puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a
hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow,
very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell,
"What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"

[baccyman]

Parrots


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to
pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my
house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My
parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, "Put the f***ing beads away, Francis, our prayers
have been answered!"

[baccyman]

Bank President's Balls


An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan
Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told
the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit
the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She
said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the
bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought
that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and
seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately
$3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an
appointment for the lady.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked
to get to know people she did business with on a more personal
basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a
large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she
replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of
where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.

"I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in
people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet
on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet
you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will
be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and
decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could
lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he
decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000
was at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his
scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his
office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as
he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get
handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With
her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other
man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her
lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much
money involved in her betting.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to
tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been,
only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants
so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady
peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he
noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the
wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by
10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls
in my hand."

[baccyman]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”