A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "So this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

[baccyman]

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

[baccyman]

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."
He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."

So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"

"That's when I get here at 8:05."

[baccyman]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of her problem.

However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll have to screw her again!"

[baccyman]

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

[vivitron 15]

dude, thats the longest thread ive ever read each post in....keep em coming

[baccyman]

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

[baccyman]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy, asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "my penis died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences. The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like this Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas ?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[baccyman]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[baccyman]

There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia. The boy's mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since. So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don't go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they've got teeth down there."
The boy listened intently to his father's advice. Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone. So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship. He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl. Things are going well, and they end up back at her place. They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father's advice and shys away.

"What's wrong?" she asks. "Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there" replied the young man. "Of course we haven't got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like." So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he's poking around, examining the lady's most private parts. "Hmmmm. I don't see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums."