A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You going to tell him or should I?"

[baccyman]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to
his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54
years old, and I have certain needs which you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am
otherwise happy with you as wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or
offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight.
-- Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a
faxed letter waiting for him that read as
follows:

"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and
by the time you receive this letter, I will be
at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old
pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician
that you are, you can easily appreciate the
fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times
than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[solarmax]

Originally posted by baccy_man@26 November 2003 - 23:26
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You going to tell him or should I?"

hilarious..excelent jokes...but i didn't understand the last one.

[Fruden]

he wont get any pussy for 1 week lol i think

anyway great jokes man

[Rip The Jacker]

Good jokes.

[baccyman]

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. Who knows what sound a cow makes? she asked. Mary put her hand up and said Moooo!

Very good replied the teacher, what sound do sheep make?
Baaaa answered Johnny. She continued this for a while.
Then she asked What sound does a pig make?
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little boy at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, Up against the wall, motherfucker!

[baccyman]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter. “Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile. “I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.” “Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”

[baccyman]

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!” Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?” The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.” The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

[baccyman]

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow," says the barkeep. "What’d you do?" "I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the hell out." "That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?" "I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’"

[baccyman]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."