A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

[baccyman]

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

[baccyman]

The gentleman walked briskly into the drug store, strode over to the pharmacist and said, "I would like a box of Sex-Lax."
The pharmacist smiled and replied, "You must mean Ex-Lax."

"No," the man responded, "I don't have any trouble going."

[baccyman]

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

[baccyman]

A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing! I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss, who was also blonde, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" she asked.

"Why, that's a thermos! It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."

[baccyman]

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his findings.
The cardiologist did a few more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his findings rather than continue to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.

One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know... This is completely unfair."

"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.

"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the driver.

"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right." replies the surgeon.

The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room.

The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.

"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."

[baccyman]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" She asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

[baccyman]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service City/County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It all came into perspective.

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@20 February 2004 - 16:09
(...)
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

You realy shoulden't

[baccyman]

Differences in Dating
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mama Mia makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner, nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is going to happen again.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, two sisters, her brother, all their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like it belongs somewhere in the desert along the Rio Grande with chickens and goats in the front yard.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN!!!!!!!!!