A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned -----

My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[baccyman]

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

[baccyman]

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks,"Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well, " sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[baccyman]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. Bless her heart.

[baccyman]

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again.

The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and Mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'

"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna be stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

[baccyman]

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
"Why is that?" the host asked.

Her reply: "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks, anyone can!"

[baccyman]

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[baccyman]

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats. The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@15 March 2004 - 15:46
(...)"Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

This makes me sad.

People don't start wars. Politicians do.

[baccyman]

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?” The man replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.” The Arab shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!” “OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.” The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?” The Arab rasped “I found it all right. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”