A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

[baccyman]

Two ladies are talking, one says to the other, how many boyfriend you got? The other says, I have 3 boyfriends. The first lady then asks so what are their names. Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy. Well if they are all named Leroy, how do you tell them apart? I got them all nicked named after soda pops. My first Leroy, his nickname is mountain dew, because when he mounts me he sure knows what to do. The second Leroy his nickname is 7up, because he has 7 inches and is always up. The third Leroy, his nickname is jack daniels. The first lady says, jack daniels that ain't no soda pop that's a hard liquor. Well, that's my Leroy.

[baccyman]

Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident. Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is met by St. Peter. “Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asks. St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.” Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?” So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer. “I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,” says Jeff. “It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter. “You see, the keg has a hole in it and the blonde doesn’t.”

[baccyman]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.” ”

[Rotten_Apple]

ROFLMAO....

keep em coming

[baccyman]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[baccyman]

A reporter is interviewing an old man in Arkansas and asks for a funny story. “Well, there was that time one of ol’ Ted’s sheep got lost in the woods,” says the old-timer. “The boys got together, brought a few jugs of moonshine, and went looking for it. By the time we found the sheep, we were so drunk we took turns screwin’ it till we passed out.” “My god!” the reporter exclaims. “I can’t print that in a respectable paper! Do you have any sad stories?” The old man’s eyes well up with tears. “Well, there was that time I got lost in the woods…”

[baccyman]

One day 3 guys got stranded on an island. They are captured by cannibals and as they beg for their lives the Chief of the Cannibal says "Ok, ok... I'll give you 2 trials that you must pass in order to save your lives". "The first one one is... You must pick 10 fruits all of the same kind and bring them to me. So they set off. After a while, the first guy comes back with 10 apples. The Chief then tells him "Ok, now you have to shove all of them up your ass and you must NOT flinch or anything." So he starts shoving the apples up his ass, but on the second one he lets out a scream. So they immediately kill him and eat him. The second guy then comes back and he has 10 Berries. The Chief then tells him "Ok, now you have to shove all of them up your ass and you must NOT flinch or anything." He starts shoving the berries up his ass, and as he shoves the 9th berry up his ass he starts to laugh. They immediately kill him and eat him. The first guy and the second guy meet up at the gates of Heaven, the first guy asks the second guy "Why did you laugh, you could have lived..." And the second guy replies "I was fine until I saw that other guy coming with all those watermelons!!!"

[baccyman]

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality." The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality." No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a boxer and gave verbal vent to his wrath. "After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."

[Mat_At_Home]

Hey they are all really funny jokes and stuff but couldn't you put them all in one post? Or is it a way of getting post count up? Does it count if you make a few posts like that or is a few posts in one topic just counted as one?