n00b
BT Rep: +11
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
n00b
BT Rep: +11
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE
n00b
BT Rep: +11
A lady lived in a small Minnesota town had two pet monkeys that she was very fond of. One of them took sick and died. A couple of days later the other died of a broken heart. Wishing to keep them, the lady took them to the taxidermist. The man asked if she would like them mounted.
"Oh, no," she replied, "Just have them holding hands."
n00b
BT Rep: +11
A young couple , a Long Island princess and her childhood sweetheart who had just finished his residency got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
n00b
BT Rep: +11
A doctor died and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife.
Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect.
Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather disturbing.
Upon opening the first door, he saw fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, so he quickly shut the door.
After looking through the second door, he was even more horrified to see various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.
Nervously he opened the third door to discover groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps!
He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and said, "I'll take the third door!"
"Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSE'S Hell!"
n00b
BT Rep: +11
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."
n00b
BT Rep: +11
Jerry's at the urinal in an airport rest room when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey buddy -- can you help me out here?"
Though he feels uneasy, he considers the guy's predicament and decides to help. He bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, reaches in and pulls out the guy's penis.
Much to his horror, it is hideous! It's moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful. Imagining the kudos he'll get on Judgment Day for this selfless good deed, Jerry holds the man's unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man's pants and zips him up.
The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask - What the hell's wrong with your johnson?"
The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touching it."
n00b
BT Rep: +11
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
n00b
BT Rep: +11
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"
The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.
"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!"
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