A Bit Of A Laugh

**baccyman** · 04-22-2004, 05:42 PM

An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.
The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.

The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."

The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."

The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."

The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."

The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."

Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."

Handsome says, "You're on!"

Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."

He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.

The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"

The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."

**baccyman** · 04-23-2004, 12:51 PM

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

**baccyman** · 04-23-2004, 12:56 PM

A polish couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired,

"What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly,

"We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

**baccyman** · 04-24-2004, 03:29 PM

One day, an old woman sat in her rocking chair on her front porch. Beside her slept her mangy old hound, Rex.
All of a sudden, a genie appears, startling the old crone. "Old woman," the genie says, "I feel sorry for you sitting here looking old and tired, so I’ve decided to grant you three wishes."

The old woman thinks about it and says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to be a young, beautiful princess."

Poof! The genie turns her into a young, beautiful princess.

The beautiful princess thinks some more and says, "A princess should live in a castle, not a shack like this."

Poof! The shack becomes a huge castle.

The princess thinks a little more, then asks, "Shouldn’t a beautiful princess have a handsome prince?"

The genie looks around and spots Rex. Poof! Rex is transformed into a handsome prince.

Rex, the handsome prince, strolls up to the beautiful princess and kisses her passionately.

She melts in his arms and cries, "Take me Rex! Take me now!"

With a bitter smile, Rex whispers in her ear, "Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered now, bitch!"

**baccyman** · 04-24-2004, 03:34 PM

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.