A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

Bobby and Judy are getting ready for bed. Judy is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know dear", she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

Bobby studies her intently for a moment, thinking about how to respond, then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Bobby will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 in St. Paul's Memorial Chapel.

Female friends of the family are invited.



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One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up the other drunk’s ass.
A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what they’re doing. "What the hell are you doing with your finger up his ass?" yells the cop.

"I'm trying to make him puke!" says the drunk.

"Well, you won't make him puke by sticking your finger up his ass!" the cop says.

"I will when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk

[baccyman]

My neighbor's foxy 20 year-old daughter is home from school and I've been feeling a bit dirty for looking at her. She prances around scantily clad chasing her dogs around the yard with youthful exuberance ----------- I just can't take it! She should dress more conservatively! She should stop dolling herself up! She should stay inside!
Or maybe I should just put my binoculars away.



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A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an erection.

The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way???"



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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

[baccyman]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."



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Miss Figpot was teaching her class math. She asked, "Johnny, if your father earned $100 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?"
Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack!?"

[baccyman]

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices something unusual.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man came oozing out. He said that he was the Genie and he can grant me a wish. And I said, 'C'mon, no shit.'"



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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

[baccyman]

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"



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O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.
On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of my other suitors."



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A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove back to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

[baccyman]

The Polish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"

She agreed. And hour later, she returned, all excited.

"You should see the flavors they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana. So many they had!"

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna."



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Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??"

[baccyman]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about s'ex? Can we finally have s'ex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "S'ex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."



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A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!"

[baccyman]

TWENTY SPECIAL 'SOUTHERNISMS'
1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how much any fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess" (as in "a mess" of greens).

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly. (generally pronounced dreckly)

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin&#39

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far (pronounced "fur")piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11. A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. (As in, I was fixin to go over to BettyLou's. Or, we had a huge Christmas dinner with all the fixins.
Or Are you fixin my car next?)

12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name, or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're IN, not ON, line we talk to everybody!

14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15. True Southerners never refer to only one person as "y'all"... more than three is way more than one, it's "all y'all".

16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food We recognize milk gravy when we see it, know what to do with it and wonder what the heck you other people eat on your biscuits.

18. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates it contains sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

[BigDaddy555]

[baccyman]

A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help. Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?” “No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”