A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

Did you hear the invisible man married the invisible woman?
Their children weren't much to look at either.



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The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@19 August 2004 - 11:27
(...)the invisible man(...)

Oh man, now that's a lame one.

[baccyman]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."



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Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@20 August 2004 - 08:57
(...)from an Eagle to a CONDOM(...)

[baccyman]

Originally posted by Autumn Fox+20 August 2004 - 11:11--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 20 August 2004 - 11:11)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@20 August 2004 - 08:57
(...)from an Eagle to a CONDOM(...)

[/b][/quote]
glad that you liked that more than the other one

[baccyman]

Dear Diary:
May 30th: Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live&#33;&#33; Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place&#33; It is beautiful. I&#39;ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I&#39;m turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn&#39;t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least its kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol&#39; sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer&#33;&#33; And it&#39;s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged &#036;200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. I&#39;m gonna kill the next guy that says, "But it&#39;s a dry heat&#33;" Yeah, so&#39;s a freakin&#39; oven&#33;

July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. &#036;225,000 house and I can&#39;t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th: It&#39;s 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost &#036;500 and gets the temperature all the way down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, &#39;Hot enough for you today?&#39; I&#39;m going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat&#33;&#33;

Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It&#39;s been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn&#39;t it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my &#036;1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can&#39;t live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL&#33; Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend &#036;1500 to bail me out of jail. Freakin&#39; Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes."

[Autumn Fox]

Joke request:

Does anyone has the joke about a man in Texas (he&#39;s not a Texan) and a chilly festival ? He&#39;s one of the jury and has to teaste them all and gets kinda sick from it. IT&#39;s writen similarly to the joke above.

[baccyman]

Two Indians are walking in the desert. The first one bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He says, "Ugh, buffalo come!"
The second indian says, "You hear the buffalo?"

First one replies, "No... ear sticky."



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A woman goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."

"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!"



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A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

[baccyman]

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” “You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom. “You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge. “Bastard!” the same person yells. The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.” “I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

[baccyman]

Something for the men to consider...
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off, enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why. I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females; that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period.

That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449, according to the National Institutes of Health 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off!



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A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.

Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.