Originally Posted by baccyman
Custom User Title
BT Rep: +3
Broken
What u doing up at this time of night maskawaih?
An It Harm None, Do What You Will
Custom User Title
BT Rep: +3
i slept on goddamn evening. woke up on 9 o'clock in the night. got nothing to do and not sleepy.What u doing up at this time of night maskawaih?
n00b
BT Rep: +11
A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw 9 old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were 9 naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.
The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.
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A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"
n00b
BT Rep: +11
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.
He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings..."
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Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.
They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship.
She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her going down on her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!"
Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very pissed off. So,... he wrote a note on the back of her photo:
"Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time at college. Please send more money!"
...and then mailed the picture to her parents.
n00b
BT Rep: +11
Breast ID System
(o)(o)
perfect breasts
( + )( + )
fake silicone breasts
(*)(*)
high nipple breasts
(@)(@)
big nipple breasts (you know who you are)
oo
a cups
{ O }{ O }
d cups
(oYo)
wonder bra breasts
( ^)( ^)
cold breasts
(o)(O)
lopsided breasts
(Q)(Q)
pierced breasts
(p)(p)
breasts w/hanging tassels
()(o)
bitten by a vampire breasts
o/o/
Grandma's breasts
( - )( - )
flat against the shower door breasts
< o < o
electric shock breasts
|o||o|
android breasts
(/)(o)
scratched breasts (ouch)
(%)(o)
extra nipple breasts
($)($)
Jenny McCarthy's breasts
(^o)(o)
zit on your breast
( o Y o )
poses for playboy magazine breasts
n00b
BT Rep: +11
Joe walks into a bar and sits down.
He notices that the guy next to him is talking and listening to a tiny man, less than a foot tall who is playing an equally tiny piano on the bar in front of him.
Joe is like "Holy crap, where did you get that?"
The guy gives him a small rock. He tells him all he has to do is rub it and he'll get anything he wishes for.
Joe takes the rock and takes off for the bathroom.
A few minutes later he emerges, looking dazed and confused, and is followed by thousands of ducks.
He goes back to the bar and says "I don't understand. I wished for a million bucks, and suddenly I was surounded by all of these ducks. What happened?"
The man rolls his eyes and says, "Well, what do you think? Do you really believe that I wished for a ten inch pianist?"
n00b
BT Rep: +11
Why Women Take So Long in the Bathroom
Only a woman will TRULY relate to the following, but it's fun for all!
My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the Toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd go home.
That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.
Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.
To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on-that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because you never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."
And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.
At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.
One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this."
At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed... This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.
This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.
PS - The answer to the other question, why do women go in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex.
Colonel
LMFAO
()(o)
bitten by a vampire breasts
|o||o|
android breasts
(/)(o)
scratched breasts (ouch)
Jeff Loomis: He's so good, he doesn't need to be dead to have a tribute.
n00b
BT Rep: +11
Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"
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An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down......."
My kinda woman
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