A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women finally realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.



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One afternoon at Mt. Zion Hebrew School, Chaim Goldberg, the new instructor, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question and answer period.
"Mr. Goldberg," announced little Joel, "there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that Joel?" asked Goldberg, with a kindly smile.

"Well accordin' to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea. Right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Of course right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again, you're right, Joel... Where is this going?"

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doin' somethin' important. Right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldberg. "So, what's your question, already?"

"Well, what I really wanna know is this," demanded Joel. "While the children were doing all these wonderful things, where were all the grown-ups"?

[baccyman]

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.



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PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy? "The Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During an ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic! : Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing

[thecreator89]

PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy? "The Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing

Good humor..
Just beautiful.
Baccyman, besides having such an awesome avatar, where do you get all these jokes? With all due respect, You couldn't have made them all up.
And trust me-- I don't have the time to do what you do-- I appreciate that yiou do this for us.

[cpt_azad]

Good humor..
Just beautiful.
Baccyman, besides having such an awesome avatar, where do you get all these jokes? With all due respect, You couldn't have made them all up.
And trust me-- I don't have the time to do what you do-- I appreciate that yiou do this for us.

obviously he didn't write all these, he gets them from all over the internet, and i must admit, some on these i've never seen b4 so definately a big thanks to baccyman for bringing them to this forum. Without baccy and hippy chick, this forum wouldn't be what it is.

[thecreator89]

Without baccy and hippy chick, this forum wouldn't be what it is.

That's true
Look at me-- I'm back already anticipating more jokes.
Keep it up you two!!!! Kudos!
MARK_IV

[baccyman]

i get a lot of jokes sent by friends in e-mails and some i find on other sites when i go to other sites.

[baccyman]

"Okay, I admit I'm not very good at oral sex.
But my wife doesn't have to keep rubbing my nose in it."



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The guy was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said. "It's actually really romantic."

"Oh, yeah?" responded the man. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids, and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the Madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."



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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!

I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[baccyman]

A young lady is on a cliff edge about to jump to her death when she is approached by a young man who asks if she's going to kill herself.
To her reply of "yes - I lost my job and my parents disowned me - I have nothing to live for!", he asks if she can give him a blow job before she does it.

"Sure, life sucks, I may as well."

When she's done he tells her it was great and asks why her parents disowned her?

She replies, "My parents disowned me for dressing like a woman"

[baccyman]

How To Say "I love you" all around the world:
English........... I Love You

Spanish.......... Te Amo

French........... Je T'aime

German.......... lch Liebe Dich

Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu

Italian............. Ti Amo

Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni

Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig

Alabama,
Arkansas,
North Carolina,
South Carolina,
Georgia,
Tennessee,
West Virginia,
Virginia
Mississippi and

Kentucky.......... Nice Chest!



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After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

[cpt_azad]

A young lady is on a cliff edge about to jump to her death when she is approached by a young man who asks if she's going to kill herself.
To her reply of "yes - I lost my job and my parents disowned me - I have nothing to live for!", he asks if she can give him a blow job before she does it.

"Sure, life sucks, I may as well."

When she's done he tells her it was great and asks why her parents disowned her?

She replies, "My parents disowned me for dressing like a woman"

that's fecking sick :x