A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help. Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?” “No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”

[baccyman]

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."

[baccyman]

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

[baccyman]

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair. After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?" "It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

[baccyman]

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about “pussy,” and their “bitch.” The boy, confused by this, approaches his mother. “Mom, what’s a pussy?” The mother, startled by this, thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” The son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.” The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out a copy of Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy!” The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?” The dad replies, “Everything outside the circle.”

[baccyman]

A U.S. Customs agent and her dog are on a plane. After it takes off, the agent turns to the dog and commands, “Sniff.” The K-9 trots down the aisle and sits next to a teenager. It then returns to the woman and puts one paw on her arm. “Is that dog checking for drugs?” asks a man sitting beside her. “Yes he is. He just found someone carrying marijuana,” she explains. “We’ll arrest him upon arrival.” “Wow!” replies the man. She again commands the dog to sniff. It trots back down the aisle and moments later races back and craps all over the place. “What happened?” yells the man. The agent screams, “He just found a bomb!”

[baccyman]

A father is passing by his son’s college late one night on a business trip and decides to stop in for a visit. Arriving at what he thinks is the fraternity house, he knocks on the front door. “Whaddaya want?” a voice calls down from the second floor. “Does Jimmy Duncan live here?” the father calls up. “Yup,” replies the voice. “Just leave him on the porch like usual.”

[baccyman]

A man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man. “What are you doing?” he yells. “See?” the wife says to her lover. “I told you he was dumb.”

[baccyman]

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand
and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man
replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice
try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her
lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you
think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady
says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on
the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He
replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him
do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The
lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man
replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

[baccyman]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what exactly do those symbolize?"

The man replied with a smirk on his face, "They're Carols".