A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."



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A farmer and his son were working hard on his barn when a city boy stopped to ask for directions. After helping the lost driver, the farmer went back to jacking up the small barn while putting blocks of wood under each corner.
The city boy just had to ask, "What are you doing?"

"Well," said the farmer, "My prize mule keeps scraping his ears on the barn each time he goes through the door and I just can't have that."

"Why don't you just dig a little ditch that goes under the doorway?"

The farmer said, "Thanks, I'll think about it" and the driver pulled away. As the car heads down the road, the farmer turned to his son, "Dumb city slicker. The mule keeps scraping his ears, not his feet!"



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A clergyman, walking down a country road, sees a young farmer struggling to right a wagon that was tipped upside down.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "He's under the wagon."

[baccyman]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico....But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York.... The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo was forever lost....The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th....and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo....



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A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "it's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

[baccyman]

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


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Julius and Irving, two very religious Jewish men, visited Marcus Pinkus the tailor to have new black suits made. When they went to pick up the suits, Julius looked at his suit very carefully; held it up to the light, walked over to the window, examined it more carefully and then proclaimed, "Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It's not black!"
"Trust me," said Marcus, "its black!"

"Irving, what do you think? Blue, or black?" asked Julius.

"To tell you the truth," said Irving, "I can’t really tell from this light if it's blue or black."

They left wearing their new suits and while walking down the street kept examining each other's suit to see if they were blue or black. Then they spotted two nuns standing on the corner and decided to go stand next to them. They knew their habits would be black and this way they could be sure.

Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the convent and visited with the mother superior to discuss their day in the city.

"A very strange thing occurred." reported one of the nuns. "Two Jewish men approached us on the street and they were speaking Latin!"

"Latin?" exclaimed mother superior. "Jewish men don't speak Latin; they speak Hebrew!"

"No." said the other nun. "It was definitely Latin!"

"Well, what did they say exactly?" asked the mother superior.

"I'm not really sure," said one of the nuns. "They just kept repeating the same Latin phrase: "Marcus Pinkus Fuctus!"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@12 June 2004 - 20:03
(...)
"I'm not really sure," said one of the nuns. "They just kept repeating the same Latin phrase: "Marcus Pinkus Fuctus!"

[tesco]

we lost a lot of very valuable jokes i haven't looked here in a while, so i didn't get to see them

[cpt_azad]

Originally posted by ROSSCO_2004@12 June 2004 - 18:47
we lost a lot of very valuable jokes i haven't looked here in a while, so i didn't get to see them

i know, that sucks

[baccyman]

i can post some of them agian if you would like there is about a month's worth of jokes that are missing.

[Voetsek]

Joke are funny ha ha ha ha

[baccyman]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?"
She hit me.



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Grampa and Grandma were sitting a the table. Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head.
He says, "What was that for?"

Grandma says, "That's for 50 years of bad sex."

Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his newspaper, and goes over and slaps Grandma upside the head.

She says, "Now what's that for?"

He says, "That's for knowing the difference!"



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An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

[jetje]

good ones