A Bit Of A Laugh

[zinc1]

Some great stuff B M keep them coming mate.
Thanks.

[baccyman]

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?” “About three knots,” says the hooker. “Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?” “You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

[baccyman]

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. “You’re not from around here, are you, bud?” says the bartender. “No,” replies the guy. “I’m actually from Boston.” “Whatcha do up in that fancy Boston?” asks the bartender. “I’m a taxidermist.” “What the heck’s a taxidermist?” “I mount dead animals.” “It’s OK, boys,” announces the bartender. “He’s one of us!”

[baccyman]

A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office. “Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.” “What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”

[Barbarossa]

Originally posted by baccy_man@5 December 2003 - 15:59
A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean. Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asks. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me." "He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."

Class!

[baccyman]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. “I hope you don’t mind,” she says to the two men, “but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” She strips naked and rolls the dice. As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down, squealing, “I won, I won!” She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, then walks away quickly. The dealers stare at each other for a few minutes until one asks, “What did she roll?” “Hell, I don’t know,” says the other. “I thought you were watching.”

[baccyman]

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?” She screams, “For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!”

[zinc1]

Originally posted by baccy_man@9 December 2003 - 09:26
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. “I hope you don’t mind,” she says to the two men, “but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” She strips naked and rolls the dice. As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down, squealing, “I won, I won!” She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, then walks away quickly. The dealers stare at each other for a few minutes until one asks, “What did she roll?” “Hell, I don’t know,” says the other. “I thought you were watching.”

Should have kept their eyes on the dice instead of the Tits.


A Good one

[baccyman]

Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

[baccyman]

Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the three advantages of breast milk." Quickly he wrote:
1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.

2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system. Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken intoa sweat, he finally scribbled:

3. It comes in such nice containers.